I can't sleep.

When I can't sleep and I'm at his place, I simply roll up into his arms and i'm out within a minute. But at home...well...I sit and over think.

Since I last updated, which has been quite a while, I know, a lot has happened really. Spring break led us to have a few adventures, and I didn't come home for a week. I even got yelled at by my mom for it, she asked if I was ever coming home, and when I said "it's spring break" she told me to not come home at all ever then, so I said "fine" and she hung up on me.

ahh...you'd think I was 16 and not 28...

so...

I'm still processing very much, and the problem is that I process things best by discussing them - with other people. "people" in my life now means D. Everyone else is too busy, I suppose, with other people. So D is really my whole world, and it's really interfering with us, because he knows it. He knows so many people, and I know, well, him.

I think the four main things I'm processing are as follows:

I got my first B+ for midterms, ever...my English teacher is a word prick, and picks at people's opinions of stories, which makes me want to yell at her and tell her British ass to go get a pole stuck up it...so i'm bummed at my disdain for my teachers this semester, as neither are brilliant nor likable, but both are excruciatingly difficult.

processing #2 D took me to visit my ancestors graves on the 18th. We drove all the way to stanley, edgewood, got lost in some weird town and a bar, and eventially made it back to Hyer...a ghost town with a single house standing. we unknowingly drove right down the street my ancestors lived on and their land - a dirt road with nothing to see for miles but beautiful gold fields and an occassional bird. I'm processing how I feel. They are the only family I've ever been that close to since I was 2 and they're dead. Theirs are the only relatives graves i've ever seen in my life. I felt like crying, and did two days later. Some part of me feels I ought to be where they are, and I don't belong being alive to suffer on my own when family meant so much to them. So it's been a lot harder on me than I thought it would be, to feel this real need to just be with them. I really didn't want to leave their beautiful and isolated graves. It's so peaceful out there.

third thing: I finally got drunk for the first time on the 16th, by accident. Well, I told D that I'd get whatever he was having. Previously I'd only ever drank Framboise (sweet fruit beer), and a small glass of wine. So when he ordered a grand gold margarita, i thought...what the hell...I'll have one too. it has a shot of tequila and a shot of grand marnier, which I didn't know until after i drank it. quite good really, for being such a highly alcoholic drink. But by the time I finished my dinner, and the margarita, I couldn't walk right. The floor moved if I stood still, and when I attempted to walk I had no control over my body. So he, who only felt slightly buzzed, decided to walk me to Borders books for an hour to walk it off. From what I remember, I giggled a lot, and then he laughed at me - that two shots would do me in. While at Borders, he looked at books, and I held on to the shelves attempting to make out words in the titles. I couldn't read for anything, which made me laugh more. It took 2 hours till I felt able to walk again.

the 4th thing i'm processing is that M, the girl I got a long with so well in English 109 two years ago, has moved back to my town until Fall. We bumped into each other in the hallway at school. I'm thrilled, and she was happy to find me again as well. We exchanged email addresses and have actually written to each other to catch up on what happened two years ago and whats happening now. But I feel weird, not in a bad way, just in a sad way..."until Fall"...

seems to be my fate...

And i've thought a lot of how in two weeks it will be D and my official 6 month "anniversary" and i'm oddly scared. I've voiced it in little ways, and he's tried to reassure me that he is still not going anywhere. He's told me many times that he never intended to be with anyone, but he just couldn't help it when he met me. he's also voiced than in many ways he still doesn't want to be with anyone, but...and my heart sinks and I try to hide it...

hmm...as I said I'm processing a lot with no help from my friends...

oh, and I lost my virginity 3 years and 5 hours ago...more or less...woo...i'm probably still processing that disaster as well...

i'm going to try to go to sleep now. i'm not tired, but...a lot more has happened that I'm not ready to mention...and its making me wonder why i'm at school and trying so hard...for so little...

~e