I was going to write Josh back, and then I got really bummed...

I really am not liking my creative writing class. In fact it's screwing me up; it's scattering me. I have no idea what the teacher wants and sincerely believe a 10 year old could pass my class. It is not a college level class, and I cannot drop it. I feel degraded by my assignments - like a 10 minute free write on a specific thing she wants, and a 1-3 page paper...this week, we are writing about...of all exciting things...an effing bridge...something we don't really have in NM...

The bridge details have to be from a suicidal character's perspective, without saying inner thoughts or giving any information...which i have officially decided is not possible. Perspective IS thoughts and information...and next weeks 1-3 pg writing assignment is a conflict involving a kiss in an elevator because I refuse to write about fighting. btw these assignments are our only "lessons" in setting and conflict because the wench does not teach a thing...and her links on off topic things such as paintings from India are from unsourced pages on wikipedia...

I still like ASL even though I still cannot communicate with my teacher...I had to file a complaint against her as the ASL lab was closed every time i went to view the video required for the report. She did not extend the due date for the report, despite knowing this, and so I now think I'm screwed...

I've been depressed for a week now, and not getting much better.

By Sunday I got even worse and cried a lot. I was holding on fairly well, despite only getting to see my boyfriend - and only person I see outside of school at all - for a few hours on Wednesdays, when we work at school together, and for a whole day on Sunday...He talks every night for at least 5 minutes, up to hours. But it's not the same...we all know this...I need to see him, to wake up next to him, to plan things and have fun outside...

I had to forego belly dance because my disability transportation doesn't go to the street my teacher's studio is on. I've been looking for things to do, but it's either too expensive, or too far away. So I'm feeling like the world doesn't want me in it. My boyfriend on the other hand is doing 5 different things with his spare time, and didn't have to give up tai chi, among the many things.

I'm busy all day Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, and Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays are my homework days - I sit at home way too much by myself these days, but I can't afford to go to school every day. He is busy doing something most if not all of the day on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays. so we both had Sunday...at least.

Since two weeks ago, when he decided I could stay at his place every Sunday, I looked forward to Sundays...but now I think I'm just going to tell him I have homework.

Why would I do that?

Well, I guess I'm quickly being replaced. He decided for Sundays to fill that with activities with his grandma...like going to church with her. Hanging out with Catholics ever again is something he once swore off, when he decided monkhood wasn't for him. I can't go to church since I'm not baptized and i really don't want to sit there being left out...and I don't want to be baptized Catholic. So, anyway, I don't think I want to sit at his house by myself with no internet and no way to do more than half of my homework to distract myself from the isolation till he decides to come home, which last week wasn't till after 1 pm. I sat there staring at his walls from 8 am when he woke me up, until 1 when he got back. In between crying, I read half of Ray Bradbury's Zen and the Art of Writing. I stayed on my cellphone reading teeny CNN articles, and playing video games.

I wanted to call people but quickly realized that I don't have very many people to call. That put me over...and I've been on the verge of crying at any given second since Sunday morning...

And now MSN messenger apparently screwed up on my boyfriend's computer so he said he most likely is going to unistall that one too and wont talk online anymore either...

i feel like i'm being shoved away...which reminds me of someone else who i never meant a thing to...

So anyway, that's where I'm at...in case you care...

~e