After thinking it over, I have decided that no amount of making love can get you as close as you hope to another person...
There are times I really want to be Hermaphroditus and merge in his arms. It feels funny thinking this, but that's what I thought briefly yesterday. He was sick. So, sadly, I got my way to have him around all day. He and I slept through a lot of Sunday. I can't tell if it's allergies or if he is contagious. He told me if he felt really bad he wouldn't have asked me to go to his house, and he really did seem okay, except for the runny nose and insane cough. He drank sherry for the cough, and it did seem to work. I drank sherry too for the first time in my life. Very strong fermented sweet grapes, it was hard to swallow at times.
He kept me up half of the night Saturday night coughing, but then slept as quietly as he normally does. One thing I love about falling asleep next to him is my ability to fall back asleep if he does anything to wake me up. His merely being there is enough to lull me back into a safe and warm and very content place.
I think Sunday was a day to baby him and I tried...
He was happy. Even though it was just chicken noodle soup.
Today wasn't such a good day. In fact I'm crying again. I stupidly thought, after 5 tries to get an answer from someone half intelligent that the lady I was meeting today would have some answers, being that she is the chair of the department that created the creative writing certificate...well she is as clueless as the rest I've wasted my time with. She also didnt really seem to care in a genuine way that my writing class is...well...pathetic. And our new adviser for my department is really untrained. I found out that no matter what i do with my degree i'm really screwed. And I can't do much but add to my already extensive list of electives, many of which don't even count as approved electives, which I apparently am doing a great job of adding to this semester as well. Yeah, the creative writing classes don't count if you're a general studies student even that is your focus. I can't switch to History 111 either because that doesn't count. So everything I thought if to make my life better this semester isn't happening.
I actually feel numb. I'm no closer to anything I'd hoped for with this stupid degree and I'm half way through my financial aid. I'm getting really depressed at school. This afternoon I tried to sit by myself as I didn't feel like I wanted to be around anyone.
I thought about things in my life and wondered why my bf even wants to deal with my problems...well he usually doesn't because he has anger issues and feels protective of me.
Anyway, I think I'm going to go to sleep now and I don't kno how I'm going to have any motivation to do my homework tomorrow knowing that I'm doing it for nothing...
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