lillian m. blakey moon_window




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Sunlight on Earth

� Copyright 2006-2012
Tuesday, Mar. 30, 2010 - 12:10 am

=*=


My bf's roommate is starting to affect my well-being in my meagre life outside of school. I don't really know how to voice it without sounding...selfish. He is in his mid-30's, has a gf of 5 years, and for some reason they are not living together. And this past week, which was supposed to be spring "break", I listened to him venting about how he feels school is pointless and how it guarantees you nothing afterwards, He doesn't complain, he merely discusses facts and intellectualizes things until i want to go home. And then this morning I listened to him in my boyfriend's truck on the way to school. He is unhappy with his relationship of 5 years because he is black, from Central America and she is white, and they have no culturally similar connections. He mentioned questioning staying together with her because he wants to both be alone, and he wants to socialize more with other people. He questions whether he just wants her vs. whether he really needs her. So all day at school today I thought of where my bf will be in his life in 5 years, and whether I will still be in his life. He will have graduated with a Master's Degree, and I will still be struggling with getting a Bachelor's Degree, if I'm still in school at all. Which led to me questioning the point of anything I'm doing to try to build a relationship and trust. Which led me to think that after building as much trust as I have with him, I would really not be okay for a very very long time if he broke up with me. I need him in my life, I am doing so much better with his insight and support. I love feeling the way I feel and I love that he has learned, entirely because of me supposedly, to express how he feels about me. On the way home, as my bf told me how excited he is to be getting to do camping and right of passage work with youth for his internship semi-with AmeriCorp, I thought of how it will separate us. I don't need to be thinking this shit. I don't need his roommate to be destroying my trust and elevating my fears of relationships and abandonment based on selfish desires to be alone. I'm literally on the verge of crying just thinking of this and the time when my bf's roommate is home, and I feel awkward. My bf even told me one morning after we listened to his roommate grumbling before he left for work, that he seems to be going through a lot of changes and things he has no idea how to deal with. Well I have no idea how to deal with his not knowing how to deal with changes. I keep thinking that I shouldn't feel so bad, that it would be selfish of me to even tell my bf any of this.

I'm also processing the fact that I lost my virginity 4 years ago this week. To someone I never should have trusted.

And school today left me feeling a distinctive hatred for my school. An active sense of dislike and not belonging there. I feel my sense of happiness in 'trying' slowly diminishing. And I feel stupid in once believing that I did not know enough for having only gone to the 5th grade. I knew plenty. I always did. I merely had no perspective. I struggle to maintain my memory of just how much I knew, myths, tales, poets, artists. My life was rich, even in my complete agoraphobic solitude.

I feel really alone, despite knowing so many people, I can't call any of them up and talk...which means I'm about as friendless as I ever have been. I feel I need to talk, and I guess that is what a diary is for.

I have a feeling I'm going to be crying myself to sleep tonight.

But I suppose that I can cry, on some level, means I'm okay.

~e

=*= one day i'll fly away =*=

most recent entries:

waving white flags - Wednesday, Sept. 27, 2017

yeah so, stuff is happening... - Monday, Sept. 18, 2017

my mind is on the blink - Tuesday, Sept. 12, 2017

How stupid of me - Saturday, Sept. 09, 2017

finally breaking down - Monday, Sept. 04, 2017