lillian m. blakey moon_window




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Sunlight on Earth

� Copyright 2006-2012
Friday, Jul. 16, 2010 - 11:44 am

=*=


I feel very sad to be home after having such a wonderful time in California. We left the 27th of June and returned on Tuesday. I don't believe my life would be better if I lived in Cali, but I felt very alive; I felt very well-lived this time. Among the many things I got to experience for the first time: we rented a car and drove up the coast on HWY 1 to Monterey. We drove through so many beautiful places. I once thought SF,NM was one of the most beautiful places I'd ever seen. But my agoraphobia limited my experiences. It is beautiful here, but it isn't very alive. Seeing how blue the water is in Moneterey Bay...I played with hermit crabs, who have blue stripes on the ends of their legs. I collected shells. There is so much beauty in this world. I felt very productive just walking on the beach. I feel like I should be out seeing the world, not planning to go spend another 6 months in a college that isn't even a college (it has no 2-year junior college accreditation, it has the one below that, but is my only choice), when I feel like living my life. I'm not happy in college. I was happy when I learned to jump 3 foot waves for the first time in my life, and after choking on water fully realizing the need to overcome my fear of water and learn to at least float. I was happy to feel sand in my toes, and to hold a sand dollar from the sea. I felt alive when hundreds of seagulls took off flying all around me.

I'm not happy in many ways. I'm not happy with knowing that I'm here again. And in a relationship where I love everything about him except one thing that makes me not want him around him - his sudden bursts of anger over anything. It's been almost 2 years. How much longer is he going to say 'I'm working on it'?

Another of my friends girlfriend's broke up with him, P this time. Theyd been together 7 years, even took vows to stay together. When my bf gets mad at me, or around me, I feel like I'm a half inch tall and am that much closer to...

I've killed off my dream of being married to be with him, and also my dream of having security, as he likes being poor, well, he doesn't care about money. I've killed off my dream of being part of a family as his are not family, they are relatives. Unreliable relatives. I've killed off hope that he'll ever tell me he loves me. I'm even slowly working to kill off my dream of living with him, as his plans never include me. Even his plans of what he would do with his gma's house include blocking off the room that would be mine to turn it into a rental. And I brought it up to him that we never make time for each other anymore, we do do do and crash asleep. We don't talk anymore, we don't communicate like we did. Unfortunately I was so tired from doing everything we'd done that I crashed asleep without being able to communicate my thoughts, so he never fully heard it.

I want nothing more than to build a solid, loving relationship with him. But when I say anything close to that he tells me I'm being silly. And now that he's moving in with his grandma it will be even harder to have any time with him. She is always around, and she's sweet but very neurotic when she wants to be. But then the opposite side, he's very supportive of me, and he's very reliable. If I need anything, he helps me get it done. no questions.

When we made it to Monterey, we decided to stay a night. So i looked up motels, inns, and found a place in Pacific Grove, 4 miles west. It was only $145.00, and it looked so nice, so I reserved it. It really was nice, a home away from home, including a fireplace, HD TV, wood floors, hair dryer, ironing board, coffee maker, fridge, internet, soaps, etc.. and it was only a block from the lighthouse and beach! And it had 5 star reviews. He looked at me lovingly and said, "you're a very classy lady" and kissed me.

So I feel very confused, and in need of finding myself, my new self that can live, not the agoraphobic self that was shut in the house for 14 years. But then, people around me at school who I work around expect me to do things I can't yet.

And that feels really bad.

I don't feel like I belong here anymore, esp since none of my friends here actually keep in touch with me, unless they have to for work.

Anyway, my trip to Cali was really good. Except that I twisted my toes when a huge wave hit me in high tide and I had no idea what to do when the under toe pulled me out, so I panicked, choked on water, and in an attempt to regain my footing, now have a swollen foot.

I"m not so good, but my time there was really good. Malibu, San Simeon, Big Sur, Santa Barbara, Morro Bay, Monterey, Pacific Grove...are all places I will really miss. I'm sure I'm forgetting something too.

It was a nice cool two weeks, at most I think it got to 81, and then we came back here and it is 95+ and dry desert weather and there is no oxygen, so I keep feeling dizzy. Last night I almost passed out. :-)

I'll write more later as the thoughts come to my head; I'm needing to take it easy today. I'm processing, feeling, and adjusting...

~e

=*= one day i'll fly away =*=

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waving white flags - Wednesday, Sept. 27, 2017

yeah so, stuff is happening... - Monday, Sept. 18, 2017

my mind is on the blink - Tuesday, Sept. 12, 2017

How stupid of me - Saturday, Sept. 09, 2017

finally breaking down - Monday, Sept. 04, 2017