lillian m. blakey moon_window




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Sunlight on Earth

� Copyright 2006-2012
Friday, Aug. 06, 2010 - 12:29 pm

=*=


Since I last updated, I've had moments where I wanted time to stop completely. We saw Inception and I can honestly I've questioned my reality more than I ever had before. I broke down, cried, and told my bf how he affects me. Especially when he criticizes me when I'm not absolutely perfect. I let him know that I'm capable of staying at my place and not going to his place at all, and that I kind of felt like doing that after a few days of little critical comments and blow-ups on his part. I think we're better for it now, at least for now. He said he doesn't like asking me to do things that seem obvious to him, but I can't read his mind, and I noted to him that I don't assume he knows what I want, because let's face it, he hasn't a clue much of the time until I voice it. So I guess he's now working on this as well. Sigh...

Thursday evening was the first time in my life that a guy called me his girlfriend in a public place in response to a question of how we know each other. It only took till I was 30! And it took him almost 2 years.

And it was weird because my bf's ex-wife was there.

A near lifelong mutual friend of both my bf and his ex-wife from high school days is visiting from back east. So, we all went out to eat and meet up and chat, which I did next to none of, with the exception of eating. I think I figured if I stuffed my face with nachos, I would seem legitimately preoccupied and no one would try to talk to me. It worked.

After my bf responded to the question from another woman, an odd female who LOVED talking about herself, (good lord) and another friend of the ex-wife who had quite suddenly and nosily inquired about how we all know each other. He paused and looked at me, and said: "well, she's my girlfriend," I almost choked on my beer. His response to me has always been that it's nobody's business, which I'm inclined to agree, somewhat, but to hear him say it was...it was like saying out loud "we have sex!" I dunno, it made me feel better to hear that he does think I'm his girlfriend. And I kind of feel it was a big step for him to say it too. :-) He has always just said nothing at all or called me his "friend", which his grandma in Cali also calls me. The most he ever did was, when asked if I was his girlfriend by some strange random dude, my bf nodded. Now if he could only tell me he loves me...just once.

So anyway, my bf asked me ahead of time if it would bother me that his ex-wife (they divorced roughly 5 years back or so), would be there. He insisted earlier that she has a bf as well, and that she wants to not feel so weird every time she sees him (this is such a small town/area and is already happened numerous times). My honest reply was this: "I have no idea how I'll feel; being in a relationship is weird." He laughed. But sitting 4.5 feet away from her, (ironically she sat as far away from me and her ex-husband as possible at that 5 oval-shaped foot table), I watched her blond hair, and analyzed the wrinkles around her eyes, and felt pride that at just 5 years younger than her, I have no wrinkles. My boobs are way bigger. But we share an inability to drink a glass of beer without getting drunk, and she is as skinny as I want to be, as I once was...dammit. I kept trying to think of things other than the fact that it is her fault that my bf will never marry me. She was mean to him, and used him for health insurance. She lied to him, and played mind games, then divorced him. And as my bf shared his second glass of beer with me, my drunk mind felt happy that she gave him up.

I asked my bf what he thought of the dinner meeting after it was done, he said he kept thinking about how he was sitting at a table with two seriously agoraphobic people, me and his from out of town friend. And he said it helped him to not feel an obligation to talk either. He was our honorary agoraphobe, and all three of us watched the ex-wife and the ex-wife's friend talking about the most bizarre things, and glancing at each other occasionally, in a look that said we also were each wishing we were deaf.

:-)

In other news, I've taken up origami again, and want to do scrapbooking of all the Cali photos I have. Some are so beautiful, it's unreal. I've taken up making swallowtail butterflies and Japanese flowers. They're pathetically difficult, to be honest, but they're pretty.

Every now and then I look out on the immense desert here, and it's so beautiful but my heart is still in Malibu and Pacific Grove and Monterey. My fingertips can still feel the hermit crabs' claws. The salty smells and sounds of water birds crying out...every now and then I can still feel the waves crashing against my body.

I miss the ocean.

I need to learn how to swim, and I wish my apartment had a pool.

I wonder what I'll be up to this week.

I don't look forward to my upcoming semester at all, I would rather sit home and write the films and plays and stories I have still fresh in my mind, but the drama class I'm signed up for seems it will go if no one drops. I'm looking forward to that. Fingers crossed.

~e

=*= one day i'll fly away =*=

most recent entries:

waving white flags - Wednesday, Sept. 27, 2017

yeah so, stuff is happening... - Monday, Sept. 18, 2017

my mind is on the blink - Tuesday, Sept. 12, 2017

How stupid of me - Saturday, Sept. 09, 2017

finally breaking down - Monday, Sept. 04, 2017