We finally met P's mom. And it appears that just about any attempt to rent her place isn't going to happen. The terms that P told me she would be staying there under aren't what is happening, and she will be living there not just coming and going. So unless she is willing to rent a small casita somewhere and let us fully rent her home till she leaves in 3 months, legally and long-term, we have to keep begging other people to realize that were not Section-8 scum. So, my ideal is pretty much gone, now for settling.

I can't say the meeting went well. It was awkward. I felt like I had to be on my best behavior and was under her microscope. She is wealthy. She is a business woman. She knows way more than us, has had way more opportunities in life, and isn't afraid of shoving it your face - in the most polite and caring way possible. She has more options than we do. She is willing to let us stay there, but the fact that it isn't going to be a legal month to month thing, and she will not accept money for anything from us, is making my mom feel afraid of staying there. I think it would be different if we actually knew her.

I keep crying and once I start it goes for a while.

I'm building a really bad future characteristic that I will never again attempt to try to make my living situation better. If I am at risk for bullets coming through my house and killing me at night, I will not try to change it. All of this stress of homelessness is not worth it. My neighbor is still screaming. I am not getting any homework done. But I don't see this as worth anything. It is a complete mess.

I've already put hundreds of dollars into this move for storage, for a down payment to hold a place we weren't allowed to rent, for gas for my friends to come help me move, and I don't even have a place to live. I'm sorry that I tried, really really sorry. I've learned in the past two weeks that I am very much a piece of shit to every agency I rely on for my basic needs. I am disabled, and have been much of my life, and that means I have to be segregated away from all of you to protect you from me - a disabled straight A honor student, actively involved in student leadership and who enjoys learning new things and helping other people and who is actively trying to learn skills that will help me get a good job someday. I sound like I'd be a terrible person to live next to right?

~e