My life has been extremely difficult since I last updated.
Here�s to hoping I get through writing this.
My bf hasn�t made love to me or done anything sexual, including really kiss me, since early March. Tonight he said, �we�ll have time when school is out� in 4 weeks. I can�t take anymore of him pulling away so much to get straight A�s that I am second to a god damn paper. So I made a mistake of voicing my needs. If he isn�t going to tell me he loves me, and also isn�t going to show it, what am I supposed to do? Deny how it makes me feel? Josh and P tell me they love me. P is randomly present online these days. I�ve talked to him twice this semester, and Josh�I�m too upset to talk.
After voicing it that I need time together he went on and on about how he has spent time with me�and after arguing about it for hours, he asked me if he is supposed to drop out of school because I need more time together. I asked him how making love for a half hour would interfere with his homework. He made more excuses than I want to think of. I feel pretty worthless. I really don�t know what to do. 2.5 years is more than I ever thought anyone would give me with my disabilities. So maybe I�m asking too much. He�s the best person I�ve ever met. But after things he said tonight, I don�t feel like he understands where I�m coming from or cares to try to understand. This isn�t the first time it�s been brought up. He sometimes acts like 5 miles across town or the other room are thousands of miles between us. And if everything isn�t perfect then it is all tainted and bad. I really love him and all of this really hurts. Because we are really good, he just can't express affection.
Two weeks ago my younger sister, let me restart this by saying I have never met my siblings, which also really hurts. Anyway, my younger sister went to emergency with what was believed to be an appendix rupture. It turned into a large growth blocking her small intestine and a large portion of her intestine had to be removed. They didn�t know if it was cancerous for days. It is not, but they are trying to figure out why.
During all of this my mom is getting threats from the social security office to cut her off of SSI if she can do things like cook and clean and buy food. Because we all know if you can wipe your own ass you�re not disabled and should go get a full time job. So I am waiting for my life to fall apart. And I am waiting for them to cut me off because I�m in school, even though it remains the only place I can go by myself.
The forms I had to fill out for my mom aren�t even funny. They had nothing to do with the nature of my mom�s or my own disabilities. Or why she or I cannot work. The board deciding her and my fate has never met her.
I�ve had to deal with disappointed instructors who clearly aren�t happy with my homework. I�ve saved people�s asses at school who aren�t capable of writing a damn sentence, let alone a summary.
And I�m afraid to tell my crazy landlady that ants are taking over the house despite it being spotless. Theyre tunnel comes right through the front door frame and into the entryway. She complained that it costed $24 for rubber and nylon weatherization strips � the kind that last 10-20 years. We still don�t have screens on the windows and there is no AC, so the bugs are coming right in. I�m sorry I tried.
I really feel like dropping out. I don�t know if I will continue in school; my stomach is killing me right now. And really I can�t take anymore. Attempting to live my life is starting to do me in. And I don�t have any friends to talk to if my bf breaks up with me.
~e
