lillian m. blakey moon_window




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Sunlight on Earth

� Copyright 2006-2012
Saturday, Jun. 04, 2011 - 12:34 am

=*=


I am clearly not capable of writing of the past month in a chronological series, and events interwove each other creating utter confusion and immense stress, so it will have to be expressed and processed in pieces � an individual snapshot of memory and emotional perspective.

And my film wants to be written of tonight, it seems. And this is likely the style I would choose to write my autobiography in � like photographs organized to tell tale. This all happened in May:

So, I didn�t drop my film class. I persisted through the most miserable weeks and days of it. I voiced my issues with lack of instruction and what I had intended to learn and had not. I voiced how it, along with lack of access to the film classroom or edit bay, was impeding my ability to create a film for finals. My instructor insisted, quite terribly and falsely that it was not a technical class. It was not a technical class for which you, using very complex professional film editing software with little instruction, must make 3 films for the semester in order to pass. This made it worse than a technical class.

In my attempt to avoid that, I created a film idea, using stop motion, and drew and cut out all the parts for it, the story boards, the story itself, the scenes and frames, only to realize the actual mission was overwhelming to do, on my own, with no experience, and with only a week remaining, and I shared with my instructor the idea and my accepted defeat in my project. She said it would likely take me 18 months to do such a thing. My overly-ambitious little toe was not amused.

I returned to a film idea I had had, but was forced to simplify. A poem I had written in my poetry class last semester, about my experience of visiting my ancestors land and the need I felt to touch and see and experience them and their lives as if they were with me now, inside of me breathing their breath within my own breath and all beneath the same sky. So I put that into a film which I, sadly cannot post as it will totally blow my anonymity. Anonymity I really need at times. Too often I remain agoraphobic I need the safety of existing without actually having solid form. I am fluid still here, and can express truths about myself here that I can�t voice.

My badly edited film, using footage I shot during spring break of my ancestor�s graves and the surrounding area, was chosen unanimously by my classmates for a public film showcase. I certainly did not expect that. Nor did I expect another film I had shot, but did not edit, to be chosen for the showcase. Not only were they chosen, they were chosen twice, because the committee voting on them chose them for the VIP showing as well, which meant my film, and the one I shot, were considered good enough to win awards. I did not win awards, only 4 did that night, but only 15 films were chosen for that out of 3 times that many which had been voted to be shown during the day.

A girl in my school who I have said hi to for at least 3 years, with no more than a look up and away and to see her keep walking, came up to me to voice how much she had liked my film, and thought it one of the best she had seen. All of my classmates continued to tell me how beautiful it was and how much it had meant to them. One of the older women in class said to me with a grin �It�s always the quiet ones who have the most to say.� And in every way I felt I won more than anyone. After all it was a unanimous vote by my female peers who had seen me squirm in my seat and avoid speaking all semester and listened to some of my other stories when I was forced to speak, and knew of my desire to be a writer and filmmaker. And then they got to see what I love doing, and they were all amazed. It is my first real film, and not many people can say that they received so much praise about a first film. I got emails and thank you�s and messages of how great they think it is from complete strangers. Processing it still feels surreal.

I really could not handle the praise though, and panicked my way through the VIP showing while my bf held me as I trembled in the darkened, crowded room watching films played until it was time for mine. I knew how badly I had edited my film because I knew I learned NOTHING in that class. My transitions are hard, as the software would not cross-fade, footage stalled because the tripod stuck as I panned, etc etc.

In fact, I learned so little in that class that my film was the wrong size because I didn�t learn formatting, and no one explained it to me even after the film was chosen. So in the public showing, it was small and washed out and barely visible � losing a lot of meaning and support for the poem. But still, even with that, my film had a great deal of content, and more so than most films shown that day. And the message and meaning and my story of seeking family � my real story I live every day � was heard. Many films that day were quite honestly plain stupid, and to think they were the best of their classes� films is sad.

I still hate the sound of my voice, even when set to music and beautiful footage. But all of this experience, over simply trying to pass a class so I didn�t have to drop it that last week, was surreal and in many ways gives me hope that, if I can remain true to who I am becoming, and if I can tell my story(ies) accurately, honestly, and with developed perspective, it will be heard, and it will affect people in a positive way. I just really really really need to stop panicking and stressing out�

I am missing a lot of sensory details, the crowds there, my heart racing, and the fact that my bf�s mom and sister went to see it and MY mom actually went to see it too�so our moms met. Lol�

One last strange and sad but true fact from my life before I go to sleep:

My boyfriend�s mom got a photo of me and my mom together. My mom has refused to take photos, even with me, since I was 2 years old. I hope I get a copy of it.

~e


=*= one day i'll fly away =*=

most recent entries:

waving white flags - Wednesday, Sept. 27, 2017

yeah so, stuff is happening... - Monday, Sept. 18, 2017

my mind is on the blink - Tuesday, Sept. 12, 2017

How stupid of me - Saturday, Sept. 09, 2017

finally breaking down - Monday, Sept. 04, 2017