I�m not really sure what to write of next. My 4 week class is nearing midterm, and I feel no way prepared. The smoke from Arizona cleared, so the full moon is visible and glowing white again. I guess I will make a decision to write of my boyfriend over the fact that kittens were born in my yard 7 weeks ago. Both are very distracting at the moment.

I�m finding that there�s no really nice way to say that you are in a completely loveless relationship with someone whose grandma clearly doesn�t like you being around much. Last semester my boyfriend went about 3.5 months without so much as really touching or kissing me, let alone anything further. This last semester was the worst in all 3 years, he has gone 2 months, and averages 1 month�and I voiced it every ttime he has done this, and can no longer believe he doesn't know how it makes me feel. It is at a point where I am pretty emotionally shut down and shutting down more every day. A couple of weeks ago he yelled at me and told me that he is not dropping out of school just because I want us to make love more than once every three months. That statement makes no sense but he said it and meant it.

So my options it seems are to break up with him and be utterly alone here again as I obviously have no friends who are capable of remembering that I do exist outside of school and probably should leave the house at some point this summer to go some place other than school. Or to stay with my boyfriend, and feel my heart wrenching inside my chest knowing that �this� is no longer mutual, or at least it�s not mutual when it is inconvenient for his desire to get straight A�s. BTW he graduated with a 4.0�an our relationship is�the casualty of the gpa. I got straight A�s too and got put on the Dean�s list, but wish we had made love at some point and had a better relationship, and at least one B.

I have been staying at his house since Saturday to help care for and socialize the feral kittens. And just 20 minutes ago he told me he would prefer I go home. So I got upset because he didn�t say anything to me earlier and clearly he�d been thinking this a while, because I can feel it when he really doesn�t want me around. As I began packing my things, he just got mad and said he�s not driving me home and stormed into the other room. My being on the other side of the house with the door closed and fully capable of feeding myself and caring for my own needs is too close for him it seems. You would think after nearly being together 3 years that you would feel okay with that person around. But I don�t feel that from him.

So I�ve stopped trying to get him to do things, and just roll over and try to not cry myself to sleep. I�ve woken up to him snoring with tears in my eyes.
But it feels very�like I�m holding onto something I want desperately, as he is unraveling the other end. I feel so disconnected now from him relationship wise that if he were to break up with me it would only hurt because I would have to face what I�m feeling knowing that no matter how much I loved him it ultimately meant nothing to yet another person.

Though it hurts even more because on May 3rd his grandfather and only reason we went to LA passed away. I was there for him and supported him and talked to him. He left that Saturday without notice after telling me he wasn�t going to go. He called telling me he was leaving by plane in a few hours and would miss me. I live a 5 minute drive away, but he didn�t have time to drop by to kiss me or hug me or see me before he left. So I dealt with that, he got cheap tickets, whatever.

But what really hurt shouldn�t have. He told me he loves me, or �Love you� to be exact, for the very first and only time in all 3 years I�ve known him. In a text message, while he was boarding the plane 80 miles away. And proceeded to be loving and miss me all 4 days he was gone. As soon as he was settled back here, and I was by his side, he returned to the distant, annoyed man who prefers being alone � someone he never was with me to this extent before this year. It�s like he only wants me to exist when he has literally nothing going on, otherwise I�m in the way.

So, I guess it�s my fate to only desire being loved by people in my life as that has been the one thing to evade me my entire life and it seems the one thing that I will never have. My mother stopped telling me she loves me when I was 9, and tried to give me up for adoption when I was 10. She is the only family I�ve known, and I just need to know what it�s like to have someone truthfully mean it when they say they love me.

So I don�t know what to do. I was going to do home work, I have a story, and a paper to write by tomorrow.

It�s only 10, but I think I�m going to go to turn the lights out and hope I don�t wake up.

It�s unreal how much my sitting here on his bed, makes me feel completely like I don't belong here. I no longer feel that I'm capable of causing any man who really knows me to desire being with me, and it really feeks like breathing death.

~e