lillian m. blakey moon_window




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Sunlight on Earth

� Copyright 2006-2012
Monday, Sept. 19, 2011 - 12:07 am

=*=


The last couple of weeks have been really hard. I don't even have the strength to go into details of most of it.

I have enjoyed being able to eat and have eaten such amazing things as pizza, spaghetti, homemade macaroni and cheese, fatty salads, cookies, etc. mmm most of that didn�t cause any pain either. I�m still only able to eat small amounts though, but at least I can do that.

2.5 months without being able to eat real food however killed my immune system, and my throat is dry and scratchy like I�m coming down with something. I cried much of the day today, which ought to have helped, but didn't. I don�t feel well yet, and I think I�m getting really irritating side-effects from the meds now. I feel dizzy and nauseated. I tire easily. My heart races when I try to do anything.

It seems this week was all about giving me reasons to disappear. I was told by one person that he isn�t speaking to me because I complain too much and that it brings bad energy to myself and others, presumably he means himself�another person deleted me on f@ce book after telling me to fuck off merely because I voiced my experience of the ipad, which they had just purchased and were actively and repeated bitching about, being fairly useless�and in need of some work. I played with one for a while, it is a toy, that is all�it needs help to be what it is meant to be. I know 4 iPad owners who feel this way.

My boyfriend�s father passed away last week, really unexpectedly presumably from an infection he got after having brain tumors removed. And just three months after my bf�s grandpa (his dad�s dad) passed away. His family buried him without time for my bf to be there. And for no reason other than to exclude my bf. My bf is in shock still, and they were never close, but my bf�s violent temper has been flaring, badly. So I am home�feeling like shit. I can't help him.

Some part of me really believes that this world would have been better off if I had never been born. It�s in my core.

Sometimes I feel so useless, like I�m just wasting everyone�s time by being here - like I need to apologize to you for even reading this because a certain part of your life is being wasted because of me. I think it is because my life was so unbearable for 14 years while trying to become able to live, and now that the process of living life is started it is unbearably overwhelming or stupid much of the time. And I remain so many years behind where I would be had I never gotten sick.

I have so many �friends� who have promised me the world�in my case that means merely to actually take me, a still very strictly restricted agoraphobic person OUT somewhere doable. My bf remains the sole person who does this in my life. And I am supposed to be happy with that�while all of my friends hang out with each other and promise that next time I will be invited�for over a year now.

So it and other things going on with me and school just make me want to go to school and go home. I will be cutting my student gov hours back, as I in fact can�t really do anything on campus anyway, thanks to the admins primarily. I also don�t like being jumped on over the school�s lack of microwaves like some fellow student bitch did. Bring some fucking food that doesn�t need to be cooked like I do, and you�ll be fine� of course I couldn�t say that to her, but I was thinking it.

And people who have no clue about my history and how long it took me to be able to just go to a store with someone else and how long it took me to be able to go to school again, and don�t care to know how long it took me to be in a place for them to know me at all, expect things of me I just can�t do yet, which feels really shitty.

So my brain is processing suicidal thoughts and how-to�s at me while I type this and hope that my totally pointless homework figures some way to get done. As of about now, I�m pretty depressed and very screwed.

~e

=*= one day i'll fly away =*=

most recent entries:

waving white flags - Wednesday, Sept. 27, 2017

yeah so, stuff is happening... - Monday, Sept. 18, 2017

my mind is on the blink - Tuesday, Sept. 12, 2017

How stupid of me - Saturday, Sept. 09, 2017

finally breaking down - Monday, Sept. 04, 2017