lillian m. blakey moon_window




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Sunlight on Earth

� Copyright 2006-2012
Friday, Sept. 23, 2011 - 11:58 pm

=*=


This entry is about to be as coherent as my thought process, which after not sleeping for three days is pretty bad, and very choppy. This past week was a bit too much. Today at school I had to argue with a jerk in cashiers who kept telling me that exactly what happened to my account could not possibly ever happen�he shut up pretty quickly and made a phone call that was awesome to listen to when he realized I was right, and it DID happen, but arguing with the jerk for 5 minutes before he would look at my account made my tummy stress and my ulcer hurt really badly. It still hurts.

My doctor said the test for ulcer bacteria came back negative and that I likely got this from the unbelievable amounts of stress I am experiencing by leaving the house and doing what I�m doing while remaining severely panic-stricken agoraphobic. I kick ass doing what I do these days, but this ulcer is kicking *my* ass. Maybe I need to re-be-friend Captain Xanax�I just really don�t like feeling loaded, but it did help a lot when I used to take it almost every day.

My online class doesn�t seem that it will work out. I dislike instructors who change book editions on you two days into the class and AFTER you purchased that dang book (first edition mentioned) that was not listed anywhere publicly as being required in the first place. The amount of reading and actually remembering what I�ve read is a bit much for one class that I don�t really need. So I will likely drop it in time to receive a full refund. Besides I found a meditation class I can take for one weekend. By dropping this online class I will forego my Dean�s list status, but whatever�I rule without my Dean�s approval, regardless of my name being on his list again. 0;-)

JOSH, SKIP TO THE NEXT PARAGRAPH�In happier news, my boyfriend finally actually made love to me AND totally made out with me, well I kind of just went for it, otherwise he wouldn�t have. I�m only mentioning it because it has been a very long time since he did or let me do anything actually intensely sexual, over 6 months if not longer. He clearly enjoyed it too :) It�s hard to be depressed when you do that with someone you love so much. I felt so relaxed afterwards, and now I�m all stressed again�gah.

Tonight I ate some of my bf�s homemade chicken soup�my god this man can cook. :-> While eating dinner we watched this really cool show on Nat. Geo about young Amish people who went to England for 4 weeks, *here is a link to the page* and future showings. Hopefully it will be online in full soon, it made me so proud to be descended from those types of people, and I love my weird Amish-like quirks that likely would not be considered �wrong with me� if I was raised actively Amish/Mennonite. I will never own a horrible loud mixer - I prefer mixing things by hand, I hate vacuum cleaners, most of my clothes are hand wash only, I have issues with my hair being down, I actually prefer out houses to do my business in, and I feel safer when my head is covered, those are a few things.

A student attending the student government meeting this week got on my case because I supposedly didn�t speak loud enough for him to hear me. I actually rolled my eyes at him before repeating myself because of how rudely he said that he couldn�t hear me, and two people I know who were sitting beside him and further away from me said they could hear me just fine. One said she wanted to smack him for getting on my case so rudely, the other said �he doesn�t listen to or hear anyone, you were fine�. They made me feel better about it. What happened is that I was trying to think of my office hours so I could announce them to the room, and then I went blank because they just changed. It made me panic, so I couldn�t breathe properly and then I went to speak and couldn�t speak up. But I spoke up as loud as I could. I really tried. And the room was packed. I apparently still have issues with the number of people in a room�I can now be in a room with more than 5 people in it, but to speak in a room with 40+ people is totally panic inducing, and then this jerk had to pick on me. Gah�

In news of the woman who told me to f*uck off and erased me because I disliked my experience with the iPad and voiced it to her as she bitched about her�s on fb�she hasn�t spoken to me since. A dear person at school, who is kind and compassionate and shares in my liking of hugs, told me that she deleted this woman on fb over the summer because of her serious immaturity. Two others told me they dislike the woman for the same reasons, one avoids her if at all possible now. So, that made me feel better too. It isn�t me at all, I guess. It�s her issue, and she really does need to grow the hell up�

In odd news of the week, my ex-boyfriend has been talking to me a lot online and by text lately. He told me a lady he was dating for 6 months just did to him what he did to me 6 years ago, and he told me he is sorry now that he knows what it feels like. He�s being a bit nicer to me for it. Having said that, he will always be an ass�but as of right now I�m less afraid of bumping into him again around town than I have ever been. Having said that, I�d still prefer to not�

Anyway, I was thinking about how it has been only 6 years since I started leaving the house on a regular basis. I need to create a list of what I�ve accomplished in such a short time. I too easily forget how hard it was for me to live life. I take everything I�ve managed to be able to do and it feels like I�ve done nothing because what I�ve done so far isn�t anywhere near where I dream to be.

When I think of my actual age, I often erase the 14 years I was really ill from my age, so right now I am 17 years old in life-actually-lived years. For only being 17, I�m doing some amazing things!

Another day of homework procrastination down!�and I have another new calculator! :-)

~e


=*= one day i'll fly away =*=

most recent entries:

waving white flags - Wednesday, Sept. 27, 2017

yeah so, stuff is happening... - Monday, Sept. 18, 2017

my mind is on the blink - Tuesday, Sept. 12, 2017

How stupid of me - Saturday, Sept. 09, 2017

finally breaking down - Monday, Sept. 04, 2017