So, here's one for my firsts list.

For the first time in my life, on the 16th, we (mom and I) went house searching after being approved to buy a house.

We were approved for a very minimal home loan, and we went to look at the house we have wanted to buy for over a god damn year! On the market off the market back on the market, off again. Anyway, it was now, as a foreclosure, well within our range of affordability. (We found blogs of the lady who used to own it - she screwed herself big time and tried to get out of it any way she could. At last she is normal and not a meth freak.)

We found out there was another bidder. We bid about $6000 over. And today, after waiting 12 really unnerving days, the bank accepted our offer. holy shit, the bank accepted our offer! And now I'm really scared. I hope to god, please god, if you don't hate me that much, make the ceiling beam not about to fall in like it looks about to do. Make it cosmetic like my boyfriend says it likely is. Cause everything else is awesome about that house!

All of this will go really fast, the next 25+ days. But if all goes as hoped with every cell in my body, I will own my own home and be desperately in need of a home repair loan by January.

THAT is something I never thought was possible growing up. But in between homelessness and shelters and bad apartments with insane neighbors, and a few good duplexes, I dreamed of my own home. I used to collect home owner magazines and the real estate ads at the grocery stores and stare at the homes before going to sleep, all pictured in perfect rows, except for the feature home creatively enlarged to show detail, and I'd dream up what it would be like to have a place of my own. I drew my own blueprints on notebook paper...if I had a kitchen it would look like that, and my bed would a queen sized canopy bed with real draperies. And I'd have a grand spiral staircase. And no white walls ever again. No carpets to stain. My own garden. No landlords to piss off by asking for repairs. And stability for once.

Adult me is still as goofy, but I can live with that house just fine sans marble terraces and an Olympic swimming pool. :)

I am in shock. I keep forgetting to breathe. I am closer to that childhood dream than I have ever been before. The agoraphobic in me is stunningly thrilled at the idea of stability, even if it is with my mother, and the me that wants to get better and get off the system someday is excited because this means I will be closer as my rent with more stable in time, and I will not need to keep moving money.

And I have a final exam I need to study for, as I know nothing required and it is an essay exam...shit.

If we get this house I am going to totally cry...seriously out of amazing levels of gratitude for the opportunity to have this in my life.

I am already crying at just having a chance at such a big crazy dream...I will be broke for the rest of my life, and that's ok with me as long as I have a place to call home.

~e