My mom is really seriously negative. Being that I am agoraphobic, and apparently have no friends I can count on or family, I can�t leave the house to go anywhere by myself and am fully stuck listening to her until I explode after an hour to 6+ hours straight of her complaining about her entire life�one recent event will trigger discussing and venting about everything bad that has ever happened to her. And I being the only person she actually speaks to am forced to endure listening to it alone (as she always has an excuse as to why no one (and I mean NO ONE) is good enough to speak to, or why she isn�t good enough for people who would be good enough). She goes on and on until I finally have had enough and yell at her get out of my room and tell her how it all makes me feel. I get left really feel suicidal after a good bout of her going on as if the whole world is revolving around her unsolveable needs. No suggestion I make helps in any way ever. This has become a daily ritual for her.

I have my own room, for which I pay half of the bills and half of the rent each and every month. I buy my own food, I cook my own food, she does the dishes as I can�t stand for long periods, and she doesn�t want me using the dishwasher too often. I do my own laundry; I clean up after myself, I collect my trash appropriately, etc. I am doing as well or better than most people as far as functioning in the house.

She comes into my room and sits down and starts up. I have to leave the door open for the cat at night or he wakes me up. So she comes in my room as I am just waking up or to wake me up and starts venting��are you awake?...and if I even mutter �no� she is on her well on her way to tell me just how shitty her life is�which often translates to just how shitty our lives are. She has yelled at me over closing my door then if /I do not want to listen to her, as if I have to lock myself in here, as I have all day today, because if the door is open it means she has free ability to come in without knocking and vent. Well, she doesn�t ever knock even if the door is shut, but that�s another issue on boundaries for another day�

When I am in school I get very busy. She has issues with this because I am no longer home or available so she can vent at me. I will tell her ahead of time that I am going to have a hard week, or have a major project that I have to focus on. It does not help or matter. She does it after school when I have had a long and frustrating day and really need to unwind so I can get things done. I am busy with homework and being an honor student. She yells at me that I do nothing and she will kick me out, entirely because I do not have time to listen to her for hours on end.

She has and accepts no solutions to problems. Her only solution is that she will kick me out and put me in a group home because I cannot handle her negativity and voice that I cannot handle it.
If I beg her �please, mom, stop��she orders me to get out of her house. If I wasn�t fully agoraphobic, I would be able to

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And more often than not all of this is in MY room, for which I pay rent. If I tell her to get out of my room she yells at me that I don�t care about her, and that I have no feelings for anyone but myself.

My life was fine, not perfect by any means, but not this bad at all until I started doing some amazing things. When I tell her I really need to focus on homework and can�t listen to her any more, she yells at me that I need to move out with my friends then, saying friends always in a snotty manner as if she is jealous that I speak to people at school�people who promise to hang out with me but have yet to come through.

I could write about this, and differing scenarios that have occurred, for hours. It has gone on this bad for two years at least. It is getting worse each year. My boyfriend is furious with her. I am in the middle of it and without enough support to sustain my final semester and sustain my relationships with constant arguing. My mom refuses to go to counseling.

I go to school for a day or stay at my boyfriends for a weekend and I start to feel normal, unwind, and be able to think and write. And I come home to chaos�constant chaos, one thing goes wrong after another. I become sick again and stressed and pull out my hair till I struggle to be able to hide it. And I feel so very unhappy and stuck. And it makes me really want to try to move far away and go to college, because I will not survive getting a master�s degree here in this house.

Going to Smith is a really big dream, because it would get me far away from here and maybe even help me be able to live on my own more�but I need to get a really big scholarship in order to do it. And I am quickly losing my mind.

~e