I often think of where my things will go once I'm dead. I have no family to give it to. Many things I own are personal in nature, writings, letters and cards from everyone who was ever so kind as to take the time, photos, drawings, old stuffed animals I've had since the day I was born, or pretty soon after, etc. They mean more to me than they probably should. I assume it will go into the trash. The rest (my 2,000+ books, and art supplies, mostly) will likely get auctioned off for a couple thousand dollars to help the state to reclaim some of its entitlement program losses on me. Unless things change in my life, I likely won't get a proper funeral. I'll be cremated by the state, and if no one is my life by the time I die to claim me, I will go as unmarked ashes into a pile with other forgotten people. I can't see how I would get an obituary to note any accomplishments.

How's that for a cheery thought? And no I'm not planning to kill myself, but when I get as alone as I've been lately, thoughts start to wander and reflect on things.

At some point it is likely I will have never existed except for some random things, and documents in the state records office. Sometimes I think that I want to un-exist once I die, and sometimes I want half of my ashes in between one set of my gr gr grandparents, and the other half between the other set. With a marker noting that I am their gr gr granddaughter. They are the closest family I've ever known, they died about 70 years before I was even born. I didn't know anything about them until 8 years ago. I need to visit their beautiful, natural, and peaceful graves soon. Standing by their graves and seeing their land feels like home to me. The first time I saw it, three years ago, I knew that this is why I came here, to be with them. I didn't come here to go to college, or make friends, or re-learn to socialize, or eat in public places�I came here to experience being the gr gr granddaughter of some really amazing and perseverant ancestors.

But I�m very depressed. Not just over the missing usb drive, though that is part of it, obviously. But of my decline in functioning, and the many hopes I had when I first started college 6 years ago, that have all but dissipated. So once school is through, I may really take time off. I may really stop and reflect and reconnect with nature and my own needs again.
There was once a time in my life when the overwhelming city I left behind was only bearable due to flowers in people's front yards or window boxes. I used to watch the branches of trees swaying and look out for caterpillars and ladybugs to play with, all to distract myself from the horrors of being out of the house in an overwhelmingly over-stimulating artificial environment. And now I am brutally surrounded by those horrors without the ability to stop and relax and connect with nature.

A lot of my "friends" get on my case when I get sad. But really my life has been mostly void of fellow humans in the good way.

Another of my friends just got married. I am very happy for her.

Another friend got married last week, and my sister, I've yet to meet, is getting in September. My boyfriend wants to go to her wedding so I can meet her.
I have facebook friends and facebook family. My world is very small.

Whenever I bring it up to my boyfriend I regret it. Marriage is cool for everyone but him, because, he tells me, he already was married, and once is enough, no matter what the circumstances were.

I try really hard to not hate his ex-wife, but�

Anyway, I have school tomorrow. I really don't want to go.

~e