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Friday, Apr. 13, 2012 - 11:20 pm
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20 years ago around this time I collapsed, and I could not lift my head from the pillow. I wanted to stop living, desperately. The bullying had maintained itself for 5 years, despite them having succeeded in obvious damage. I remember them witnessing me crying. I remember the sole time the principal called the m in his office, and told them to stop. I remember when they laughed on the way out of his office. I still carry that and everything else inside of me: The bruises, the threats, the fears, the feeling of needing to get away; the feeling of needing everything to stop, including living. I was only 11. It is very young to feel and experience wanting death. I think it became part of my brain, death isn't death, but a means of escaping unacceptable circumstances. I often think of death in a variety of ways, and ways out. I need to read something outside of the college crap I am having heaped upon me. I'm beginning to collapse again. And my stomach started hurting again.
I have tried 4 times to do my homework for my office class and it isn't working. the directions are missing a step. That or i am about to totally flunk my assignments. And I love biology, and got it rescue both a spider and a moth, but i am lost now. It is not okay to be lost in biology. I am freaking out. And I have no friends to turn to for help or kindness. I may collapse again, before finals. that will be quite an event, for sure.
~e
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