So many people I know are dying too. Young people...it is going in waves. Births, and then marriages, then engagements, then deaths. It is strange. I'm not sure I like any of it. An uncle of mine, the bf's of my bf's sister, no more than 35 years old. both of cancer, both horrendous drug abusers.
A storm came in and cooled everything off tonight. It actually feels like I have an air-conditioner in my room with how strong the winds are.
I have sat in my room alone all day. That is how it will be for the foreseeable future. I am trying to get to my list of to-do's.
I am supposed to be on vacation, but that pit in my tummy refuses to release, and it gets worse as soon as i look at the smallest notebook with stuff to go through.
Writing isn't really happening yet, reading gets distracted by other things, and I fall asleep up to four times a day now depending on how hot it is in my room.
I am not good with change. I cannot handle isolation.
I remain agoraphobic and dependent on friends. But they don't understand at all, and they have better people who can drive themselves places to hang out with.
I have my books and endless levels of stuff to shuffle through. I did so much and am more alone than i was when i only knew people online. I dislike that.
I fear many things...mainly my level of sanity. I'm not sure it will remain intact by next summer.
the storm outside is frightening. The wind is actually screaming.
I feel scattered.
~e