I wrote this on Monday, and then I proceeded my two days of shopping online:

My boyfriend is starting to piss me off again, meaning he is starting to do things that make me feel really bad about myself, and I know that it should piss me off. But since I have issues with feeling angry�I turn it inwards instead and feel bad about myself. For the last few days, and continuing till the 18th, he is spending 12-14 hours a day to write an essay with a topic that he knew would be hard to write of, and so I don't get to really spend time with him till maybe after the 20th�but then he says he has readings to do for his final take home exam. So, not really till after the 28th will I get to really spend time with him. I am online buying candy and brownies and cleaning supplies and feeling really bad. Which just makes feel un-social and scared that I bother people, or will bother people.

Amazon is incredibly friendly to the housebound. I can distract myself for hours and then buy literally anything I could think to want and it comes within two days, or even the next day. Can't go to the store to get candy? They have so much candy that it's hard to decide. Boyfriend's too busy to take you to get crap you don't really need but seriously want�poof! like that it is all yours. Need deodorant (because it's hot as eff in your house)? All agoraphobes can stay super fresh smelling thanks to Amazon. You can even buy ice cream on Amazon, though I can't think of why I would. Need zit cr�me? It's all one magical click away�

Would I love to feel okay going shopping alone? Sure. But the reality is I don't and can't. Amazon is my world. I both like and dislike that. But I have little options, and when it comes to dignity, it is the most dignified of my current options with having a boyfriend who is too busy to even take me to buy food.

In some ways I regret going to college. I didn't think I would feel that way, but I do. I gained something that society reveres, but I lost a lot of myself and talents I used to have � talents I did not recognize as such. I had friends online who talked to me and cared. I had hobbies and interests. I could keep my room organized. I had time to dream and think and didn't ever feel, when I was reading or writing or drawing or painting or just listening to music, that I was wasting my time or should be doing something more academic with my time. College doesn't allow you to have time for your soul. And after 6 years of that, I feel overwhelmed by everything I want to do again.

Written tonight:

Today I am obviously depressed.

I can't fight it. My boyfriend is overtaken by his career and school at the moment. I feel very alone even though I saw him on Tuesday as we drove to his college and back. That has become the major highlight of our relationship these days.

If we can manage to go to Cali, we will only be able to stay maybe 7 days at most. Driving one and a half days on either side of that. I sadly mentioned to him that because of his work we likely will never be able to stay in Cali for two weeks ever again. He said that that is true. This makes me really sad. I dislike rushing, and cramming things in.

I;ve stopped reading. I've stopped cleaning. I've stopped organizing. I've stopped eating the way I should, and I'm in pain from it all. I am in trouble if a low fat veggie dog with low-fat cheese and no ketchup sets off my stomach pain. And it destroys my theory that I only get pain because I eat too much. It is hardly too much. And I don't feel like I should be having to drink Ensure at my age. But I am getting desperate to not be in pain. People have written to me and I should be writing back, but I really have no idea what to say about myself. I did not think my time away from college would be like this.

I took an old watercolor painting book I bought back when I really wanted to illustrate books, mine and others�I didn't open it or look at any images in it.

The crickets are very loud tonight.

I miss the ocean�

~e