I'm having a really rough time at dealing with things. I stare blankly at my computer all day trying to figure things out, randomly remembering awesome things I once did with my life, like crocheting and tatting lace, and embroidering some awesome things on my clothes, and writing letters with dip pens. But yesterday and today again I must clean my entire house because yesterday we found 11 baby brown widow spiders INSIDE my freaking house and 3 adult ones with egg sacs, one that was scary as hell because it looked so much like a normal spider and its hourglass was black, in fact it wasn't an hourglass it was just a black spot, but it had the bead row down its back, and all other signs, including that creepy web. All are/were variations on the beige/brown colors and I am not okay with adding poisonous creatures to our list of invading insect species. Unfortunately this means I have to still go looking for them to kill more if I see them. It is the room we store stuff in too. Most of it has been organized onto shelves, but we have furniture and our kitchen table and chairs as well as my beloved elliptical which I have not used in weeks.
I have been itching since I caught the first one just after 7 am yesterday, as it was just beginning building a web between my cat's climbing tree and the back door. I thought, maybe, it came in because of the rainstorm Friday night�but then I found more, and kept finding them. Most are light beige with orange hourglass and deep brown with a white hourglass, etc. Some were grey with black spots, a white stripe on the back and an orange hourglass. I had to mentally prepare myself for this. But we moved everything and looked in much of my house downstairs. I AM the bigger of the two, even though when I see them I feel like they are ten times my size. I just need to remember that I AM big enough to kill them and should do that as fast as possible. My technique, thanks to a video from Florida, was to spray the hell out of them with cleaning soap, which stalls them and stuns them enough to not be able to run, so you can have time to squish them. Needless to say Saturday was disgusting. And to my list if first, I will be adding widows in my house for the first time, and seeing brown widows for the first time, and anything I can think of that�s related.

I have an appointment on Friday with my psychiatrist; from whom I have to get a couple of letters�I have a psychiatrist now, supposedly. I never wrote of my intake interview with this newest psychiatrist which happened in May, and I am still recovering from the process that one is put through during such intakes�in short, a decent summary would be: 'let's re-experience 30+ years of trauma in under an hour so I can witness and note down just how much you have been destroyed by it. :) !' I have an appointment to see her on Friday.

And, in maybe I will maybe I won't see Malibu ever again news: my boyfriend went to get at least a thousand dollars' worth of work done to completely fix his car, but the (supposedly experienced) auto mechanic apparently can't drive, and while attempting to move it, crashed my boyfriend's car. I wish I was joking. So, they had to do body repair work as one of the doors could not even be shut because it got so badly crunched. My boyfriend had to beg for a ride from a co-worker to get to work. And after all of that, my boyfriend's car now has working AC but a door handle that pulls loose, and won't stay in place, in fact it almost pulls off fully, and he will have to get it fixed by the mechanic when we return, which really sucks.

My boyfriend was actually a boyfriend to me last weekend. He was sweet, and he didn't get pissed off or mean. He cooked dinner all weekend because I wasn't feeling well. He spent time with me and laid beside me and we talked for a long while, and did all of the things I love him for, pretty much in all areas of life. So I stayed longer than I'd planned to because it was just that nice being with him and experiencing him feeling like a real boyfriend. It's cazy how I get happy and feel better about myself when he treats me well. Hmm�

I guess we are going to Cali next week still. I just need to do a lot more things than I'd planned to this week, including last minute apartment repairs and much more extensive cleaning and extra appointments. Which sucks, especially when it could mean getting bit by something poisonous.

I got an hour of sleep lastnight due to fear of nightmares from all the spider killings and because right as I was trying to fall asleep a pack of coyotes way too close by sounded like they were killing a small dog. Saturday was the worst day here ever in all 8 years. From here on it can't possibly be worse, and any day I don't come across a widow in my house, is a good day. :-

~e