I am warning all who read this�I need to vent.

I keep thinking of my time in Malibu. I should have let the ocean have me. It tried. It wanted to. I thought of this as the cold waves first embraced my ankles:

" A wave drew back, like a hand, then advanced and touched my foot�I waited, as if the sea could make my decision for me. A second wave collapsed over my feet, lipped with white froth, and the chill gripped my ankles with a mortal ache. My flesh winced, in cowardice, from such a death. " ~Plath - The Bell Jar.

My weekend went better than I had prepared myself for.

My boyfriend thought over some things I'd told him, so he was extra boyfriendy. And he got two friends who we've known as long as we've known each other to go out for dinner with us. In fact they are my favorite people because the female half of them has disabilities too, and she understands. Unfortunately they were only visiting and have moved too far away to see them on a regular basis.

We talked a little bit about why he shuts down when too many things are going on. He doesn't know why, and feels like he can't fight it.
He told me a story from t@i chi. He said that they were telling stories about him, and why he disappeared on them. He said that his teacher told everyone that he is schooling, and when he isn't schooling, he is having sex. My boyfriend replied to them "well, it's true." But he told me it also made him think of how much he shuts down when he has things to do and shuts me out. I don't know if he thought enough to change though, but, he thought about it.

On Sunday my boyfriend also decided that I would drive to go get us something to eat for lunch.

My boyfriend quickly changed his mind about me being on the road when I became break happy, and tried to drive through a double lane driveway and clipped a tree to the right side of the road that I sincerely tried to avoid. It made him laugh though. He said it was a classic first time driver experience.

I don't think I'll be driving anytime soon.
Today I saw my primary care doctor because I needed referrals to a rheumatologist.

I keep finding lists of the effects of the disorder Ehler's D@nlos. I have every symptom and side-effect of hypermobility in that disorder. My doctor was actually happy to have seen it in one of her own patients, finally�it is that rare. A student nurse was in the room and so I showed her how much I bend�everywhere. She also said I have definite scoliosis and that my hips are crooked all the way to my shoulders. Ironically the x-rays I had done said there were no problems with my spine at all. She is wanting to help me try to do preventative measures so I don't end up in a wheelchair the last half of my life. Unfortunately since Sunday I have been in pain from these things. My back, my hands, my wrist because I decided to try to open a bottle of juice at my boyfriends and couldn't, my neck, my knees, and my hips. I'm way too young to be experiencing. My fingers feel arthritic as I am typing this, as if they are swollen and want to seize on me but I keep moving them and it prevents seizing.

My knees are also swollen again, and I don't know why. I haven't done anything crazy. I'm wondering if the rainy weather or sudden drop in temps has rendered me incapacitated and feeling 80. I sure hope not though because it is only going to get colder.

I guess I have to go, my cat is seriously hallucinating. I need to go after him and make him knock it off, and since it's 2 am, I should probably sleep.

My mom has also been a ***** all day. She knows I'm feeling bad and wants to make me feel worse. She is succeeding.

Despite my semi-good weekend, my body is making me feel incredibly old. :- I look good though.

~e