On Wednesday I never made it to school. I had a low-grade migraine, I felt dizzy, I had cramps, a fever much higher than normal (almost 100), my tummy felt queasy, my knees hurt, and I didn't sleep. Well I take that back. I had an awful dream, so I did technically, briefly sleep. Plus I didn't have anyone to take me to school, and my transportation doesn't work well for on-call rides. If I went I would have had to stay there for 8 hours, with all of these issues and nowhere to lay down, because they got rid of the couches in the student lounge. If I had some way to get to school on my own I would have just gone to class for 2 hours and come home after. Sometimes you have to accept your circumstances and the consequences of defeat.

I bought probiotics to replace the good bacteria the antibiotics killed off. It is starting to help me digest my food at least. I hope it helps other things too.

My dream was very vivid. Sights, sounds, colors, scents�

I was living in a single-story house, possibly a duplex, in the county. Here, "the county" means "the country" as it is very rural here, with scattered juniper bushes and fields covered in tall golden grasses and wildflowers growing, and big open sky. That openness was all around my house. My mother was there. I had packed all of my things in plastic bins because the house had gotten a widow spider invasion, and I didn't want them in my things. I was packing the last of it when I looked outside and saw smoke billowing up in the field a little ways from the house. Then the flames built up. Soon the fire department came and told us we had to evacuate and to get as much as stuff out of the house as possible. I called all of my friends, some promised to come. I waited. I watched the field turn black and smelled the smoke as it inched its way closer. No one ever came to help. The firefighters were yelling at us to evacuate and I kept telling them that I can't, that I had no car and no way to get out. We didn't evacuate. I watched the flames come for me, and as they began to climb the walls around me, I woke up.

What a crazy couple of weeks this has been�

Yesterday I watched the film The Unloved. I never ended up in foster care. But I got ran through the system with my mom, who kept falling apart, and my school, and the counselors, admins, and other asses. I had school counselors evaluating me, and administrators discussing me in front of me as if I could not hear what the said about me. I had social workers in my house; I always refused to let them in my room. I had police officers taking me to school in the back of their cars like I was a criminal at 10 years old. For some reason I remember Autumn when I remember most of these things. I remember it being cold, and dark. Leaves turning brown. I loved winter because, in my jacket, I was insulated from the punches and slaps of the bullies. It is almost Autumn again. That chill is in the air. The sky is grey. It had rained for two days. Today it is overcast. It looks just like Seattle. Some part of me is holding onto that because at that time memories were all I had that no one could take from me, especially after my mom tried to give me up for adoption when I was 10.

Lastnight the police and firetruck and ambulance sirens didn't stop until 3 a.m. So I cleaned my room till it stopped. I am hoping, no I shouldn't hope�I am leaving it open for my boyfriend to come here and sleep at my place tonight if he would like to. My mom will be at a clinic getting another sleep study test done. In 4 years he has only been in my room a handful of times and slept over once. It is very strange. But he feels like he is intruding because my mom is here. :-

Awesome, I just got called downstairs to kill another widow spider. This mofo was a little bigger than a half inch with a huge burnt orange hourglass, and was in, of all places, the windowsill�just where my cat likes to lay and sit and be to look outside. :- I am so disgusted by this place.

Gotta stop writing and clean some more to look for things to kill again! As of now, anything that moves will die�thank god for caustic, nasty Ajax dishsoap widow killer.

~e