lillian m. blakey moon_window




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Sunlight on Earth

� Copyright 2006-2012
Monday, Sept. 17, 2012 - 11:23 pm

=*=


This morning the sun ascended in a pumpkin orange horizon behind the mountains in my view. It was stunning, and even though it woke me up by smacking me straight in the face, I opened my eyes and stared in awe until I managed to gain the strength enough to pull the covers over my head and go back to sleep.

I read somewhere that what I suspect is wrong with my digesting abilities is made worse by eating meals. By this it means that even a half of a sandwich is a meal too much, and that I should eat a few bites of food every hour or so instead. I dislike that immensely. I did that today however and it works, well, it works better. But it adds frustrations to my already over-taxed future plans that are already impossible. It means I would have to somehow carry food on me at all times. I used to be a nibbler, I hated eating big meals. I liked snacking all day. And then I went to school and got homework munchies on top of bouts of studying starvation and had to pig out to keep going. I never seriously over-did it though. But meals are a lot more convenient than nibbling bits and carrying it around all day. Especially without having a car.

The little � cup of oatmeal I ate this morning did okay, I felt queasy after but it wasn't bad pain. I hate oatmeal, but whatever, I'm not going to spend two hours cooking just to make me feel ill. Tonight my boyfriend took me to Subway because he was hungry and it's easy and I wouldn't feel pressured to eat more than I should. I got a BLT. I ate 3" of it. And so far it's doing okay. I feel a little bit funky but not paralyzing funky. I'm still hungry though�but not - only in that I'd rather be hungry than crying and miserable sort of way I get to not-enjoy being these days. :(

I think I hold all of my stress in my abdomen. Everything painful thing I've ever experienced. Every stressful experience. Every fear I have as a consequence of those happenings. It all goes into this abyss I carry in my abdomen. It's going to kill me some day, I'm sure of it.

I was thinking today that I want to write science fiction and speculative fiction again, but that my brain shuts down on possibilities when this reality is too chaotic. It's as if it can't handle two versions of chaos, so this one takes over and the other succumbs to the darkness of my subconscious mind. I experience it when I dream. I have wild dreams very often. Maybe some part of me fears slipping into it forever because I need to escape certain things from my life that deeply. I want to write a story of who I would have been if I hadn't gotten sick. My goals were huge. And I would have loved that life. I would have gotten into theatre and dance. I probably would have gone to New York. I'd likely have kids too, and they would have unusual names. :-)

I do have ideas in my head though: hallways with doors that have options for escape, and realities that aren't as confining, which is why I began writing and reading extensively in the first place. It doesn't feel safe yet to put it on paper. That is strange to me though.

I don't know if I mentioned this, but two years ago I had some xrays done because my knees hurt and my back was killing me, but they said nothing was wrong with me, everything was perfect and straight and my spine is straight, my neck is straight, etc. Meanwhile my primary care docs, my heath instructors, my mom, my boyfriend, a couple people at school who know what spines are supposed to look like all feel my spine and agree with me that my spine goes crooked and there is a space visible as is shown on the x-rays by a darker area in between two vertebrae where there shouldn't be one. I just thought it was weird but never ordered myself a copy until now. Well here is the photo of my "straight" spine:

spine xray photo

I think I have the waviest spine I have ever seen. It explains why I am never comfortable.

I think I need to sleep now. I want to write of more, of my sisters and some thoughts regarding family, and what I want to do in this next month� but I'm falling asleep.

Thank you to everyone who has expressed caring. I appreciate it greatly. I am trying to figure out what to do next. As exhausting as it is, I definitely need to harass some doctors to do their jobs this week. I'm tired of being in pain�if it's not one thing it's something else. :(

~e


=*= one day i'll fly away =*=

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waving white flags - Wednesday, Sept. 27, 2017

yeah so, stuff is happening... - Monday, Sept. 18, 2017

my mind is on the blink - Tuesday, Sept. 12, 2017

How stupid of me - Saturday, Sept. 09, 2017

finally breaking down - Monday, Sept. 04, 2017