At 4 a.m. I woke up for some reason. If I think, maybe I will remember what I dreamed. For some reason my dreams have woken me up around 4 a.m. for a few weeks now, I only just realized that last night though. I have absolutely no recollection of the dream tonight though. My cat distracted me. Upon consciousness my sudden scare of widow spiders made me get up to check the house though, so it likely had something to do with that. I didn't find any more. It doesn't mean they aren't hiding.

I have been thinking a lot about how things were before I went to school. I lost my connection to myself and my thoughts while in college. I dislike that and know that it contributed to my declining health and lessened ability to comfortably eat. But really when you just have to spit out knowledge that you've managed to get stuck in a few dendrites there really isn't much room for your brilliant ideas and your experiences. It is very�divisive. But then while taking creative writing courses, I had the disadvantage of mental blockages because of too much possibility being presented to me. I need to learn to manage that. I have a tendency to drown in possibility and never make it back to shore on my own. If I could take a mental life preserver out to sea with me, I could be grounded enough to not float away and maybe do something productive with all of my mental energies.

While lying in the dark unable to fall back asleep, my mind wandered through thoughts and things I'd gotten disconnected from while in college. One of them is how magical the world used to be. It still is, we just are so caught up in consumerism and politics and bickering and unmet needs that we forget to notice that we all exist under the very same moon, rich or poor, in New York or in the darkness of the bush in Africa. It is the same moon that Zeus and Tennyson and H.G. Wells and the Oracles at Delphi and Queen Nefertiti all saw and lived beneath. Sadly the city blocks out most of the stars and Milky Way, though. I love that in parts of this town I can see the nebula in Orion's belt.

My 5th grade education history actually encouraged my love of Greek mythology and poetry and ancient tales and fairy tales and world religions, and myths of the stars and constellations, etc. I have this really neat old book of Classical Mythology in English Literature. It dissects poems and connects them to the stories they were inspired by. I got reconnected to these recently because of finding a rather amusing/interesting and very lengthy family tree of one of my grandmother's lines that, after about 30 clicks on a certain line, goes back to the god's and goddesses in Greece pre-2500's B.C. How I would ever be able to prove that I am the goddess Nyx's (Goddess of the Night's) 350th great granddaughter is beyond me and my genealogy abilities, but still, it reminded me of how immensely connected I used to be those myths of the gods marrying the daughters of earth. I just assumed from the myths that some people really are descended from those (now mythological) gods (plus it is also mentioned in the Bible), and I assumed that because of my insane love of their stories that I was likely a descendant. I could never wrap my head around just how though, until I saw this family tree. But I read the Greek myths as people read the books in the Bible. The gods were real, their stories were metaphorical versions of actual events, and one could be descended from them. The stars in the sky had meaning and purpose beyond interesting things to notice in the darkness of night. But people have lost their connection to that history and those identities. And it is very sad to me that I joined them, briefly. It was in the back of my head, but when you are reading 150 pages in one week to prepare yourself for a Biology exam, you aren't likely to think in-depth on these sorts of topics.

And yes I am aware of cookoos that think they are Gods or are fulfilling biblical prophecies, and no I'm not one of them�I joke sometimes though, because really, who better than a housebound 5th grade dropout to be proven a real genuine 21st century goddess. I've all the tragedies and unexplained abilities and personality quirks. 0;-)

And *this is my absolute favorite site on Greek mythology*

There was something else I remembered thinking of: The idea of death. Because I will likely never have children, so my direct ancestral lineage will likely die with me. Most of my childhood friends have children. I often wish I did, but then I think of reality and how much this world is unbelievably sucky and that I get nervous holding most babies, and when you have one of your own you are kinda stuck with it for life, whoever he or she happens to be. So my boyfriend discussed last week that there are two ways to have descendants. One is to pop out kids. The other is to inspire others through a legacy of your works and doings, or your life work or experiences. For me, if I can ever actually write something, I guess that would be my writing and my understanding of life and beauty through suffering, because sometimes seeing a dragonfly in the desert can make you feel like the luckiest person alive.

And then there was the thought of ancestry, and how we each are a reincarnation of all of our ancestors. This also means we have lived forever in our ancestral forms: as far back as creation itself, whether by God or nature. While listening to my astronomy instructor ramble on about how God doesn't exist to the universe (he has wife issues) I came to the conclusion that really they are the same because regardless of whether we are from an exploded star, whatever caused me to exist is God, and I am happy with that explanation. Nebulae are incredibly stunning, and to think we might have come from that is really neat.

Having said all of this, why I was born now out of all 2 million or more years of human history, I really don't get. At least I have the internet to distract me from it all.

I'm starting to feel Morpheus and Hypnos taking over my mind again as Helios is rising.

I'll write more soon.

~e