Sorry in advance for this grumbling...I've had a bad week. My emotions are a jumbled mess of happy, sad, content, stressed, dissatisfied, excited, overwhelmed, irritated�and add to this emotions I can't identify. I feel like I irritate people, and I am sad that two people have left d-land who I really liked.

I don't even know how to process meeting my siblings. It was better than I feared it would be. They are really cool people. It didn't feel real, and they haven't really spoken to me much since, a little bit. They expressed liking me when we met and I am holding into that small amount of interaction because it's all the positivity I've got going on my life at the moment. And I seem to do everything wrong lately. So here is me analyzing my emotions as best as I can considering I feel like crawling into a hole and dying because everything is too overwhelming, and I am so done with everyone I know here playing like they like me but not speaking to me when I'm not at school or on fb:

I am happy at finally meeting my siblings and new extended family that I haven't really spoken with very much if at all since then. Some have left messages saying they were happy to meet me. That is very sweet, and I need thank them.

I am sad that my boyfriend sees me the least of anyone else in his life: coworkers and tai chi friends and his grandma. And I am sad that he barely kisses me if he even has laundry to do let alone more, as he has lately. I come last to every other to-do. He hasn't touched me for three weeks and his aunt is visiting so there will be no room for me at his house and it will be another two weeks before he might be a boyfriend to me�and he keeps saying "this job is only for 9 more months" just as he said all 4 years of college�

I am comforted that we at least have been together almost 4 years, and that I have put up with him when he is at his least loving and most impossible, possibly naively so�but I keep reminding myself, so as to not get carried away, that I have known people who were together 10 years and split up to try to curb this contentment because I can be content despite feeling utterly miserable about circumstances. Some part of me is just so happy that someone has finally stayed in my life�he is it: The sole person who has physically been here longer than a year, fairly consistently.

I am stressed that I am running out of money fast, and will likely not be able to afford an additional year out of school, even though I will likely need it.

I am dissatisfied by my few options in life and my relationships with my boyfriend and my "friends" and when combined with my pathetic socializing abilities, it just all becomes very stagnant and uninspiring to try to leave the house so much only to end up in the house this much.

I am excited that I have made plans to spend some time with two of my siblings in Cali this winter, but reluctant to allow myself to trust that it will actually happen due to the insane relatives we share. I am also scheming in the back of my mind to get to Colorado again to see my sister and new brother.

I am overwhelmed by my health issues and the need to do things I just cannot do � such as, I cannot make anyone do their jobs so that I can enroll in a 4 year university here�they just keep ignoring me and my questions that I need to know in order to make all of that work for applying worth it.

I am irritated by my abilities in belly dance because my body is not adjusting to this dance at all, even though it is beautiful. My spine locks up. My sense of direction is way off and I keep turning when I'm not supposed to. I feel like an idiot.

Plus I just keep pulling out my hair...badly. Thank god I have cover up makeup techniques otherwise I doubt I would leave the house.

I have class tomorrow. And events and club stuff and I feel like I am losing my mind. I really just want to gain the ability to stay focused enough to write, but life and stupid people get in my way of that.

I used to look up at the stars and the moon and think of my family and wonder if they were looking up just then�now I think that my ancestors saw those same stars and the moon and I think of my siblings.

I need to compile my list of firsts, and that will include getting smashed drunk a half glass of sherry on Sunday when it normally takes two to do that.

Something is wrong with my circulation and blood pressure and has been for the last month or so. I keep feeling dizzy, having weird pains, and last week my doctor confirmed that my blood pressure goes up when I sit up or stand, not down, and it has dropped enough overall that while sitting i get sleepy all day. I got a referral to a cardiologist that will have to wait till after I see the rheumatologist. I'm just weird all around it seems. I would be happier if I could my left and right straight.

More soon. I feel so scattered. And I had so much more important things I wanted to write of instead of all of this. :-(

I still exist...at least.

~e