My life is falling apart...I can't take anymore. I can't live here anymore. And I can't move out on my own. And I can't move in with my boyfriend. And it is making me realize how agoraphobic and stupid I am for trying. I can't even go sit outside when my mom screamed at me after I got mad at her because she overdrafted her account by $106 when I paid the rent on the 29th. When I gave her $500 illegally to have a safety net in her account so I could pay rent early when I need to, because I can't always pay rent between the 1st-3rd, I am busy or my boyfriend is out of town, or it's a weekend or holidays...well she blew it all. She doesn't even know where she blew it all, just that it's gone.

If I move I will somehow have to afford paying $1700 to my crazy landlady for two months final rent because she illegally wants 60 days notice to move instead of 30, moving expenses including storage fees, boxes, truck rental, and god knows what else, and first months rent with a security deposit and pet deposit, because she isn't even trying to save money. And then she expects me to not be upset about finding this out all because she bounced her half of the rent check.

I am seriously not okay about any part of my life right now. I am here trying to help other people, and I'm drowning in my own circumstances that aren't even my fault. I live on $695 a month and I save as much as SSI allows, which is all of $2000. it is not enough to afford $1700 rent, plus, a deposit and pet deposit, moving costs and first months rent. It just isn't. But if her account is zero, If we move, have to do it somehow.

I can't go back to school, the bachelor level colleges will not cover my tuition and expenses. So I feel stuck enough to do something drastic. I just have no idea how far I am willing to go yet, but the line is getting smaller.

I cannot see buying a house anymore, and I can't afford more than $250 a month for rent in a town where one bedroom apartments in terrible neighborhoods are going for $700-850, and single rooms are $600. I am so screwed it isn't even funny. And to know that it is my own mom who is creating a situation where I will potentially be homeless again is going beyond my ability to forgive her.

Having to tell my own mother to save money is unreal.

~e