lillian m. blakey moon_window




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Sunlight on Earth

� Copyright 2006-2012
Sunday, Feb. 03, 2013 - 2:03 am

=*=


I am getting really scared about the Legislator thing. I just need to stay medicated, but I hate the feeling of feeling numb to emotion. And tired.

Reasons I am scared:

I don't really have "professional" clothes, not the type you would wear to a gov't building, which I personally would describe as "sociopathic organized criminal style business attire"

I have to be out of the house before 8 am

I dislike makeup

I'll be on live TV for the first time in my life

I can't stop pulling my hair, and this is 5 days away

They will give my biography in public to the room

I will potentially have to spend time in the same room with a Republican � ALL DAY

I really dislike politicians

Even though people I know will be nearby, I will have to wander hallways alone and that is one giant building, and it goes in a circle, so if I get lost I will keep going in circles

I have absofuckinglutely zero sense of direction or place

If I wear a skirt I will not have pockets, and my small purses are all very bright.

I have so much to do and this will take up one day.

I was handed a list of rules to follow. Including only speak to the legislator when they speak to you. Be formal and refer to them at their title at all times. Offer to do things for them, get coffee, run errands, etc�(I haven't the foggiest clue how to make coffee)

I am incredibly aware that I can drop shadowing if I do it by Monday, and still be in the audience.

But at the same time I get this feeling that I need to do this, now. That it is now or never. That so few people will get this opportunity in their lifetime, and here I am, unable to walk to my mailbox a half block away, half bald but able to hide it pretty well, needing medication to handle any of this, and I will shadow a legislator and be presented to my fellow constituents by a legislator.

And my overly ambitious little toe justifies my presence in so many places I don't feel I belong: That these legislators should be honored to be in MY presence. That statistically they should not have the opportunity to be in my presence at all And that, regardless of what my best clothes are, and if they aren't that great, these legislators aren't exactly paying me mucho bucks on SSI so I can buy better clothes so that they don't have to look at how poor they really make the disabled in this country, so I will wear what they have provided for me to wear.

At least I have awesome 1930's and 40's style shoes to wear if I wear my heels, even If they are brown and not black.

This whole year is filled with a list of things I will experience for the first time. They have already begun. When they occur, the newness still thrills...and I need to try to focus on the fact that just 7 years ago I couldn't leave my house more than once a week.

I started my search for community agencies to volunteer at. In fact my going to this legislature thing is part of my testing myself. My mom won't be there. My boyfriend will be at work. I will be on my own much of the day. Trying to be in the world, visible, breathing, solid, standing, and not afraid.

I got news last week that I only have to take 16 classes and I will graduate with bachelor's degree, not the eight years and 90+ credits I feared, or would have to do with a normal degree. The prerequisite journalism course I need is being given online this Fall.

Everything is falling into place. And they have hearts, they will likewise feel honored to be in my presence.

on Friday I will meet a cousin for the first time in my life that I can remember. He is 53 years older than me...his mom and my gr grandma were sisters. He owns 800 acres of our ancestral land. I know I will cry. I'm not used to meeting people I'm related to. It feels really good.

~e


=*= one day i'll fly away =*=

most recent entries:

waving white flags - Wednesday, Sept. 27, 2017

yeah so, stuff is happening... - Monday, Sept. 18, 2017

my mind is on the blink - Tuesday, Sept. 12, 2017

How stupid of me - Saturday, Sept. 09, 2017

finally breaking down - Monday, Sept. 04, 2017