lillian m. blakey moon_window




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Sunlight on Earth

� Copyright 2006-2012
Tuesday, Mar. 19, 2013 - 12:19 am

=*=


Sometimes I wish I could call one of the 1000 people I know and just enjoy talking to a friend. I don't think i will ever know what that is like. People don't call me just to have a good chat. J did for a while. But that stopped. P is too busy writing disturbing sodomy limericks with his new fiance who hes known since like September (some of which he sent me written about his own gma)...he's not the person I befriended and I am prepared to let him go.

I have lost almost all friends I've ever gained.

I'm just not the kind of person people keep around. I'm the kind of person people get happy to see but leave and go on their way without a second thought. Night like this I get really sad about it.

I spent all day yesterday and much of Sunday struggling to call someone i do not know. I go blank. I can't breathe. Even if an entire script is written out, if they stray with questions that are different than what is written I start to panic.

I don't really do this in person.

My bf tried, I suppose, to connect in a sexual way. It was so distant that other than the weird playful pinching each others boobies it made me feel even more alone.

Obviously being my third entry today I feel alone, disconnected, isolated , scared and fairly annoyed my that my ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, key is sticking. It is really irritating.

I feel like I need to disappear. If I could un-be, I could un-feel what I do. I could try to be something else and really connect to something or someone.

If I could get my atoms to reconfigure into another creature, maybe I could contribute to life rather than fearing motherhood and destroying someone's life with my constant presence. contributing to life would be good, not devastating.

I need something more than I have. My room is a mess. I dislike much of what I have. It is only here to distract me from what I don't have.

I really need someone who wants me around.

~e

=*= one day i'll fly away =*=

most recent entries:

waving white flags - Wednesday, Sept. 27, 2017

yeah so, stuff is happening... - Monday, Sept. 18, 2017

my mind is on the blink - Tuesday, Sept. 12, 2017

How stupid of me - Saturday, Sept. 09, 2017

finally breaking down - Monday, Sept. 04, 2017