lillian m. blakey moon_window




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Sunlight on Earth

� Copyright 2006-2012
Friday, Apr. 12, 2013 - 1:29 am

=*=


Today I watched birds nibbling at insects in the budding leaves in the tall tree out my window. I watched prairie dogs standing guard of their home and climbing the yucca 'trees'. I watched raindrops falling and sunshine illuminating the tops of the rainclouds. I admired the green stems of my rosebush that survived the harsh winter. I watched my cat snore, and I allowed myself to let go of things.

Today was all over the place but at the end of the day all I can do is sit here alone and cry. Today I had cramps and felt sick all day. I kept falling asleep because my body just didn't want to be awake. A dear friend finally contacted me back, and she seemed happy to reconnect. And the college I was hoping to go to�my final option, is completely destroying my goals and has left me without anything to work towards. All because they gave me scholarships that require I take more credit hours that I am able to (15 per semester or 5 classes per semester) I can' t do more than two classes for sure online. What's left of my aid award will only cover around 2/3 of the tuition and fees. I would still need to cover books, supplies, and everything else with my SSI. That is not about to happen. I also got a sad text from someone we know here that seems that she will die of her illness very soon.

I don't know what to think of today. I was of course happy to hear from Helen, after hoping to hear from her for a year. She was the twinkle of light on this moonless night. But I remain sad and overwhelmed and feeling ... discounted. I gained self-awareness and self-determination to prove I exist. But I exist in a world where it is solely your ability to work a 40+ hour week for someone else that determines your entire value. Full time in college that gets you the $$ is the equivalent to that.


I think I will now go to sleep, which I meant to do hours ago. I don't really have anyone to talk to about it all, so�I seem to bother everyone. I don't really ask for my life to be so disappointing. I dream these really amazing dreams, and people come in and destroy them.

I can exist here, a voice, disembodied and disconnected, trying to empathize with an aching body and breaking heart. Trying to give the other parts meaning and value when all they can do is beg to move closer to unattainable dreams, or at least if nothng else to stop suffering at the hands of others. Here, in my little box. Here, where my life happens in somewhat decipherable pixels. If I only I could get them to go in the right order for once. Or get people to stop messing them up. Maybe then my dreams and my life would go in the same direction.

~e

=*= one day i'll fly away =*=

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finally breaking down - Monday, Sept. 04, 2017