I am up. It is 4 am. I feel really alone. This diary doesn't help with that. But since none of my friends..."friends" want to hear it (because they aren't really friends...) here I am talking to cyberspace.

I don't know what to think of life or living. It really feels like one gigantic joke.

I keep going over what started the fight last night. I can't fully write it here, publicly. It was his grandma stating that she was "going to the store (to get cigarettes) in her PJs...because nothing matters anymore anyway. No one cares..."

My bf went homicidal and cussed and yelled and...I realized that there is no room for me in that relationship that the two of them have. If I was not agoraphobic I would have left at that point and gone back home, where I should have stayed to begin with. I am agoraphobic so I stayed there, not knowing quite what to do, and tried to calm him and make things as okay as they could be, to which he replied with fully stiff body mannerisms: "I'm not in a very good mood" So I stopped leaning on him and rested on the opposite arm of the chair to give him his space. Which also pissed him off.

If we haven't broken up, which I'm pretty sure we did last night, I am not going to ask to see him during weekdays anymore, because he is too shut down from working all day. And it causes him to jump on me and put me down, which he swears is not his intentions. He also says it hurts that I could see him in such a false way...and that if i can say he criticizes me, then I don't really know him, which I think is bullshit, because he does criticize me. A lot.

One example is that I have a really bad memory when I get stressed. Instead of reminding me or asking for my help to put dinner away, which I forget is even in the kitchen, he'll say: "well I'm putting the food away because SOME ONE forgot to do it again" Or, since the cabinet is full of containers with no lids and I can never seem to find the lids anywhere else, he'll make some smart ass comment that I'm just not looking, or that he is not responsible for that cabinet. But if I tell him I really am looking, he'll just get mad at me and forcibly hand me containers after he looks for 10 minutes. It is not my house at all.

I don't feel like I can be there on weekends either because he just gets mad at me if I want to spend time with him. He sees it that he has things he needs or wants to do, because he is not capable of doing things like laundry during the week after work. And teh things he needs or wants to do never involve wasting time with having sex, or cuddling, or enjoying my company anymore. So, I need to let him do what he needs to do without my interfering.

I don't know what else to say.

We argued for 4 hours straight. All he could say is that he is offended that I would say that it doesn't seem like he's working on his anger issues as much as he claims. Or that he is hurt that I could see him the way he becomes when he is angry and critical and short-tempered and that it means I do not know him...because he is such a saint that his saintliness by nature erases his ability to hurt or criticize other people. Or break things for that matter...which he did again last night.

I do know that I don't put him down or criticize him. I just retreat, which pisses him off too. Everything I do pisses him off at some point.

I don't feel like going back to school this year as I'd planned. Nothing is working for me to do that. I keep having to remind people and do things I should not have to do. I am writing my own degree plan in full because the head adviser isn't even willing to help me. I need to make other goals. Or stop and re-become was i was before all of my attempts to be "normal"...sometimes I crave that. At least the alone I was was honest 'alone'. Now I am still alone with the illusion of friends. It's confusing, and only reinforces the criticism I get between my boyfriend and my mom.

~e