I've had a really rough week and it all hit me today. I finally broke down and have cried about 6 hours now because my favorite cat in the entire world died tragically. He was my bf's mom's cat, and he adored me, really he loved everyone. He was beautiful and loving and cuddly and gave the dogs baths. Your lap was his favorite place to be, always. He made the whole world better just by being in it. I am desperately grieving tonight. It was just the final blow of losing someone that made my life so much better when I've been dealing with weeks of friends not being friends, of friends turning to enemies, people being critical and unhelpful, and me trying to come to terms with letting people and goals go if I have to.

So I decided to skip school today. I've had really bad cramps the last two days anyway, and I don't feel like being social for many reasons.

On Sunday we also visited our friend S who is dying. She was in so much pain. She is only 5 years older than me. I am just processing a lot, obviously. And not very well I don't think. I was always a child who was aware of loss being forever, and fearful of that feeling when it comes. It is happening more than ever now that I and everyone else is older. It is so unbearably painful. I love too deeply from not having family. I just seem to befriend and love beings who are not meant to stay.

My boyfriend is the first person who has stayed in my life for 5 years physically. I need him to stop being mean and short with me. He did it again earlier today and I could feel my heart ripping apart. I just tell him how much it hurts, and ho it makes me feel like i'm worthless. He apologizes, but then he does it again.

And my �friend� P/C is changing facts, and I dislike it enough that I am not intending to talk to him any longer and without bothering to try to explain it to him. He does not deserve it if he will just twist facts of the situation around. He is making himself out to be some sort of hero who supposedly tried to save people, myself included, and has turned me to be a self-pitying do-nothing. He said I do not care to change my situation because if I did it would have happened by now or I wouldn't be complaining about how things are turning out. As if I really haven't tried and am not still trying? So I am letting him go of him, which hurts. He disappears for months and years and comes into my life only to tell me all the things that I'm not doing to his standards...he who lives off of his mother's inheritance at 38 years old. And he has no right to talk. But it hurts. I have to realize the person I loved in him died long ago, and move on. He is not a friend any longer. It only hurts because he was once my best friend. But I don't know him anymore.

Since I last updated I did a lot of new things, you know, me and my do-nothing existence. Ahem.In short from 10 pm to 4 am starting on Saturday, I experienced Pascha:

At 16 I really wanted to be a nun. If I was raised in Orthodoxy or Catholicism I would have. Otherwise I am not actively religious and have issues with every church or organized religion in some way. The main issue is that I am a female. My second related issue is that that is a problem for most churches and religions.

But it was incredibly beautiful. Almost the entire vigil is lit solely by candlelight and everyone there sings the story of Jesus descending to meet Hades (not Satan) and restoring life to those residing in the Underworld, and then they sing to Mary to not grieve because her son is not dead. At one point I began to cry while staring into the flame of my beeswax candle. I thought of how this ceremony has been performed for 1600 years, and there I was in a Greek Orthodox church, experiencing history. Also most churches don't even mention Mary, so...extra bonus point.

I only went because my boyfriend asked me if I would join him and his mom, who visited to take care if his grandma for 5 days. He said if I did I would get to see how he lived as a monk for 10 years. I now understand him a little better. Orthodoxy is very beautiful. I also learned that my boyfriend speaks quite a bit of Greek...I had no idea idea.

My bf bought me a really beautiful handmade virgin mother card, and I still have my candle, a dyed blood red Easter egg, and a piece of holy bread. I'm a bastard child and unbaptized heathen who is going to burn in Hell according to many Christians I grew up around, (yes they have issues) and so I told my bf that I wasn't sure I'm allowed to eat holy bread, and he just said �of course you are�...so I did for the first time in my life.

As far as school goes, I think I am registered for Abnormal psychology. My hope is to also get into Developmental psych. If that doesn't happen I will take either Health Communication or Human Development in the life stages. I am #7 on the wait list, and the Developmental Psych professor thinks there's a good chance of me getting in. All I can do is hope. It is out of my hands at this point.

I decided to be optimistic, despite my crummy weeks. Amazon is so awesome about giving deals. I don't see a point in paying $120 more for a book with a paperback cover, so I paid $65 for a loose leaf version with a paperboard expandable report cover. If I can, I may do the same for other books. I can always bind them later. I know how...it's one of many things I taught myself while being stuck in the house for 14 years. I am still trying to get into other schools though, so I am not sure what will happen. But if I can get Abnormal Psych and Developmental Psych out of the way, it will open up any and all possibilities regardless of where I go. Because I will have the two required courses to get into the Master's level degree down the road.

For now I just have to try to get through the week.

I've cried for hours now. I think I'm in shock over his death. It's also hard because I have a different relationship with cats than most people as my best friend when I was sickest for 7 years was my neighbor cat, Tommy, he visited me every day and literally wiped my tears away and made me laugh when I was saddest. So in my life cats are my best friends. Life just is so sad and unfair sometimes. And heartbreaking.

~e