In lieu of friendship, I have continued organizing my things. I went through my closet yesterday, thoroughly. I went through my stuffed animals and dolls; my childhood books. I thought of the people who'd given them to me. I selected about 8 teddy bears to give away, all but one were given to me by mom and are very generic teddy bears...they look like all other teddy bears with nothing special about them, well, one growls when you push his tummy. I have put them into a bag, but I have issues with �getting rid� of stuffed animals. I only got rid of ones before that had fallen apart to the point where repair wasn't possible. Growing up my stuffed animals and dolls were literally my family. This is why I have issues with getting rid of them. I took photos of hem, I named them. I put all of them on my bed just so I could sleep. They were my real and only family in my life to this day. I cried on them, and held them. They got me through the worst days and nights of my life. So, maybe I will keep them instead of give them away. I am still missing some things, mainly a set of sheer embroidered curtains I really want to use. I found a lot of other things I'd �lost� though. I found my 1980's smurfs figures. I found my burgundy velvet and lace Victorian shoe pincushion. A set of chakra beads made of real stones P/C gave me.

I blew $100 on a new embroidered quilt for my bed and am waiting for the package to arrive. I am going crazy in here, though organizing and decorating my walls is helping to distract me from the isolation.

I am anxious, but actively trying to not pull my hair. I start school in 25 days. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel as if everything I do is futile and a waste of time. I should be doing something life-changing while I have time. I should go to Greece, or write my book. I should learn to drive and read the stack of 15 books I've got waiting to be read. I am just overwhelmed, so I clean instead. I also haven't slept well in the past 3 days. As in at all. Today. After 3 days of no more than a couple of hours a sleep in 30 minute increments, I finally crashed at 4 pm and stayed asleep till almost 7 pm. I am up npw at nearly 2 am and not the least bit sleepy.

My period only lasted 3 days and was very light. I wasn't in as much pain as I normally am. It is very odd. I however have had a consistent pain in my right side where my ovaries would be for the last 4 weeks. I am scared to get it checked. It feels very much like a cyst or a hernia or something else going on in there. I am scared of diagnoses and surgeries, more than that though I am scared that they may say there's nothing there as they did last time. It is something, though. Even my bf can feel the swelling in that area.

Last month I sincerely hoped I'd gotten pregnant. I know it would not be the best thing to happen with my disabilities and my bf's stress and inability to handle basic life. I know what would happen if I were to get pregnant. But I am a pessimistic optimist. Now my life is unbearable, but if this or that happened, everything would work out and at least change the present level of 'unbearable'...most likely for the better. I would have a better focus, and someone to help and care for. I would not be stuck being me for me alone. I would not be alone, I would be part of a real family. It would also assure that I would get to live with my bf, which I feel the need to do more each day because of how crazy my mom is being these days. Every change I make, no matter how positive is a cause for fears of all that could possibly go wrong. One new thing and a list of awful possibilities starts. I can only take so much. She is not capable of functioning, and this only started as I gained the ability go to school on my own.

I am painfully aware that my endless possibilities are rapidly dwindling. I am 33, I am not young. But I have as many useful life/work skills and experience as the average 17 - 19 year old. That's both good and not good. But my biology will catch up with me regardless of my social skills, or interests. My body really is deteriorating. There are days I lay in bed, in pain, presumably from my vertebrae crushing down onto each other and also pinching a nerve, because after hours of pain. My spine will go numb. I know that at this age I may never be part of a real family. The odds are against me, really. My bf may never marry me, in fact he is still disinterested in it and simply replies that �it will happen someday�. I may not learn to drive well enough to get a license. I may live with my mother my entire life. I may not be able to get through the Master's Degree program.

But my little toe still hopes. And days like these, when I've spent the whole day alone in my very hot room, lost in thoughts and daydreams, I almost think that anything is possible...I just wish my reality outside of the house and Time would work together to coincide a little more with all that goes on inside my head.

25 days...

~e