lillian m. blakey moon_window




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Sunlight on Earth

� Copyright 2006-2012
Tuesday, Jul. 30, 2013 - 1:36 am

=*=


I need to get my medication tomorrow. I've completely lost my ability to stay asleep. I've slept maybe 8 hours total in the last 5 days. I'm too anxious to sleep. I will be a student again in around 21 days. I have everything I need even though I think I'm forgetting something. I am lucky in that sense, that I don't need anything. I am not getting enough financial aid at all. I will be in greater debt than I have ever been in my life. That scares me...what if I get sick? What if I can't pay it back? :(

I am listening to sirens going down the street and coyotes crying in the park. I am also listening to Chopin. Over the weekend we went to a few of the nicer thriftstores here and I got to touch an upright 1914 player piano in excellent condition and ached that I had forgotten the songs I once knew: Chopin, Beethoven, Brahms...even simple folk songs that I'd taught myself. I wanted to bring that piano home. I want a piano. I want a violin. My boyfriend gave me his old guitar. I need to buy new strings for it. I miss playing music. I miss painting. I miss collage. I miss enjoying reading and writing. College took so much away from me. I am trying to reclaim it. I may very well come home with an upright piano someday.

As we were leaving the store a young lady saw me trying to play the piano again and asked if I knew how to play it. I told her �a long time ago I knew how�, and she said her too. I looked up and she had an interesting aqua colored ceramic instrument hanging, like a necklace. My boyfriend asked her about it, and then she asked if we'd ever heard an ocarina. I said no, and she proceeded to play the Concerning Hobbit theme for us all. It was magical.

Earlier that day i'd bought a 1913 book on short story writing. I am in love with old things. The book is very good so far.

Other than the piano and the ocarina, and the book, the week was incredibly disappointing. A 4.5 day �vacation� at my boyfriend's house was a sad semi-failure. He had Thursday off early plus both Friday and Monday off, so I hoped he'd be chilled out. Instead he was agitated, irritable, jumpy, distant, immature, and opposed to any sort of intimacy. I woke up each day with him already up and out of bed. He also knocked a new hole in the wall and gave me a panic attack over my not feeling well and thus changing plans. It was lovely.

By this afternoon the stress of it all got the better of me and I had to ask to come home early. I felt ill. I just needed to get away from it all.

I came home, briefly rested, and got started on organizing things again. I've gotten so good at organizing that I now have 6 empty plastic boxes that once had junk in it, but are now ready to organize other things.

I found my gouache, my sewing scissors, my seam ripper, my vellum paper, and two pillows I had no idea we had.

I want to set up an old sewing cabinet I have that always was a writing desk to me and bring my 1942 Royal typewriter upstairs. It would be cool to have that be as appreciated as it should be. It works fine.

I also found my old photo frames. I bought them for the photos I would have someday. I used to buy frames on sale, if they were beautiful, and I'd put photos of paintings and royalty and writers in them. I had no photos of me or family. So what is second best? Pre-raphaelite paintings of course.

I need to la down at least. I am supposed to take my mom to the store and get picked up afterwards when my boyfriend gets off work.

We'll see..

~e

=*= one day i'll fly away =*=

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finally breaking down - Monday, Sept. 04, 2017