lillian m. blakey moon_window




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Sunlight on Earth

� Copyright 2006-2012
Friday, Aug. 09, 2013 - 3:09 am

=*=


I've had a bit of an interesting week.

I didn't leave the house any this week, but I've had more conversations with people this week than I have in a long time. I talked twice via messenger to my brother from another mother, Josh, who unfortunately inhabits another country. And a guy I know from school, who I guess recently broke up with his girlfriend. His name is G.

The story with G is that he used to snub me (and everyone else except a small group of very odd, and very Jewish friends who seemed to live in the computer lab). He would walk right by with his cane, and only occasionally nod at me, which always seemed more of a nervous tick somehow in response to my glancing in his direction. By he would go, without saying a word or uttering a sound, and continue walking. He always seemed to be rushing somewhere. Entirely to ignore people around him.

A few years ago, I was shocked when he actually said hello to me as he kept walking without making even a hint of eye contact. I again was shocked when he sat down one day, a few months after he started saying hello, and made a wry comment about my striped socks, then literally mustered a very full, very amused smirk at my reply (something about me if I were a blue fairy, and those being my blue fairy socks), and after that he talked to me, like whole sentences and thoughts worth of talking. In the last year or so I earned a nickname from him as well. Everyone who hears it says: �isn't that the name of a drug?� to which he says some smart-ass comment to them about how it means me.

Well on Friday he messaged me, asking how I am. He seemed equally shocked that I replied. And today we talked via fb for a few hours. He said me and one girl we know and like very much but who doesn't live here, are the only people he knows worth talking to. Why he is being so nice I have no idea. Maybe it's the meds talking. Maybe it's loneliness. Maybe it's my sleep deprived smart-ass comments on fb lately, most of which I post to people I know are not really friends though they claim to be. Idk, I just know I am very surprised by it all.

In fact he unfriended me at one point, but then refriended me a year later after I said something to him at school and he was amused by it. It's a very different friendship, and he is a very different person than everyone else I've ever known.

Other than that I had a hard weekend with my boyfriend. First he was distracted by things like TV, internet, and food. Then I guess my staring at him got him to realize I was there. And we got some cuddle time in.

I told him some recent things happening with school, and that while I am anxious and excited and nervous about school again, I can't exactly feel happy that I'm going back. Because this is not what I wanted of college, to sit in my room for years on end. He told me that I am too intelligent for any of the colleges here. He then said that I should really go to where I belong, and that he would help me pay for it. He said that he is probably holding me back. I felt the sting of that, because it is probably true. But my disabilities are holding me back much more than he is. He is holding back my dreams that involve him based on some strange fear of getting me an engagement ring. I know that. But it really felt as if he was telling me to go. To find something and maybe even someone better.

I told him Smith is $55,000 a year just for tuition, and other ivy league schools I'd belong academically wouldn't know what to do with me being so poor, and I would likely just piss off the rich twits that go there with my intelligent writing and honesty that they will never know. I can't get into rich people writing. It's symbolic because it's mostly meaningless. Everyone I gravitate to has suffered immensely, particularly with poverty, or illness. I have rich friends. They have rich people problems. Like what to wear and what color to dye their hair and what gym to join. I want to smack them.

I would get very anarchist at a rich school. And I would get very much in debt.

And my future opportunities would be no more guaranteed than where I am planning to go. My writing will one day speak for itself. My experiences and knowledge cannot be erased. My dreams and goals can happen at any age, really, if I stay fluid with the possibilities of it all.

So, I am not happy with the boundaries set in my reality at the moment. I wish I could keep orchids alive. And read without falling a sleep. I wish I would be able to eat without feeling nauseous (again).

More than anything I wish I could sleep. I'm not sleeping, even with medication. The medication just silences most of the chatter. The 5 billion questions and scenarios that run through my head with any changes in my life. What-ifs. What could be's. They are driving me nuts.

~e

=*= one day i'll fly away =*=

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waving white flags - Wednesday, Sept. 27, 2017

yeah so, stuff is happening... - Monday, Sept. 18, 2017

my mind is on the blink - Tuesday, Sept. 12, 2017

How stupid of me - Saturday, Sept. 09, 2017

finally breaking down - Monday, Sept. 04, 2017