lillian m. blakey moon_window




DIARY
Newest Entry
Archives
Profile
Cast
About Me
Agoraphobia
Disclaimer
Diaryland

LOCKED DIARIES
Valeofenna
Againsthesky
Echos-Cry
echo-beyond

CONTACT
Notes

LINKS
eXTReMe Tracker


Sunlight on Earth

� Copyright 2006-2012
Monday, Aug. 12, 2013 - 4:32 am

=*=


What a weekend. My boyfriend was being an ass all night Friday. I got mad at him over it and finally yelled at him, it took me almost 5 years to do that and it didn't come out right, I only managed to yell �knock it off� as he threw things across the room. After I told him that I'm really done with this crap, and want to go home, and he got even more mad. I know that he takes it for granted that I have sever agoraphobia and cannot leave. I can only sit there and take it. The farthest I have ever gotten was his driveway and that was when I felt really suicidal after not sleeping for a few months and wanting to go jump on front of a car...I got as far as his driveway...go me.

Anyway, after all of that, and after he threw his impressively resilient cellphone across the room, he sulked and we both went to bed hungry that night. He stayed in his bed all night. I stayed in the living room reading till after 2 am, because I can't seem to sleep anymore. It was an interesting night. I read the first chapter of Party of 0ne: @ L0ners Man!festo. I came to the sure conclusion that I am neither a loner nor a party animal. I am inbetween. I need close companionship, but can't really handle pointless socializing. I dislike being alone. But I hate being in loud crowds. I wish I had more friends here than just my boyfriend. But he is all I have.

My going hungry as a child has had an interesting effect on my ability to go hungry now. The pain is so familiar.

And as a child, before I got bullied into agoraphobia, I always had at least one best friend at school (usually the kid(s) no one else would plays with), and at home I was friends with kids from as far away as 3 or 4 blocks, who came by to play with me. I am still the same way...except I don't have the people. I don't know what it's like to have a good girl friend to hang out with. To laugh with. Or go shopping with.

I have my boyfriend. And Josh, 2000 miles away. And I am grateful for d-landers. I at least get my existence acknowledged by people who know more about me than most of my �friends� on fb who actually do know me.

This is a semi-lame excuse as to why I put up with my boyfriend's violent behavior and abuse. But he doesn't go out on me. Even though he throws things, and punches holes in the walls, he doesn't hit me. He is 95% always there for me. He is kind to me if I'm in any pain, except the emotional kind he causes. He cooks and cleans and is very helpful. He doesn't care that I'm disorganized because we are equals in that way. He thanks me when I do anything for or with him. But damn does he not like paying bills. And he forgets his passwords because he makes them similar to computer generated ones. He told me his password for the wifi and I couldn't believe it. Good lord. I'm all for hard to crack passwords, but there should be some logic to help you remember it. Or at least write it down somewhere you won't lose it.

As he was still yelling at his phone, I left and managed to go into the dining room, where I broke down into tears. He eventually found me and I was sobbing. I didn't want to have him look at me. But he wouldn't stop looking at me. It was as if he didn't know what to say, but meant to say something he couldn't. After he left to lay down in his room I tried to get comfortable on the livingroom chair, but I just couldn't. So after a half hour of tossing and turning and squishing myself into the seat, which I can still do even at this weight, I relented and went his room. Without a word I grabbed a blanket, wrapped it around me and curled into a ball not wanting to be near him. I stayed there for awhile, but still I could not sleep. So eventually I sat up and just sat there wrapped in a blanket in the dark, feeling so alone.

After a long while I felt his hand touch my back and he softly said �you should get some sleep�. But I reminded him that I can't sleep. At all. I am too anxious over school I think, and maybe over him. So, I got more medication, took it, and curled in a ball again. This time though he reached for me and wrapped his arm around me and fell asleep as I listened to him snore. At some point I fell asleep, and when I woke up his arm was still wrapped tightly around me. When he woke up I was falling back asleep.

He got up and when I finally got out of bed at around 11 am I didn't say anything to him, just looked at him and went into the other room.

Saturday he was very good to me. He was kind and seemed sorry, though when I brought up his behavior he got defensive about how stupid bill paying processes are online or by phone. I can't deny that they are stupid, but I don't break things over them. So, I don't know. I could tell by how he was behaving that he was sorry and afraid to lose me. At one point he grabbed my breast that was slightly peaking out from my shirt and said �ooh, what's that?� I told him if he doesn't know what that is by now, I can't really explain it to him. I said �In short, it's a ridiculously oversized female breast.� He liked that answer.

Saturday and Sunday we didn't do much. Laid around and went and got food. We would have gone for a walk and gone to see the meteor shower, but it rained all day and stayed freezing cold. So there was no motivation except to stay in bed, which we did.

Sunday I woke up with really severe cramps, and he made me toast and made a hot water bottle to help stop the pain. I crashed out, and he had to do prep work for his job tomorrow, which he was not happy about. It took all day, and he expected it to take two hours at most. When I woke up Sunday afternoon I felt better and I made us lunch/dinner and he took a break from work to eat with me, which was nice.

I am writing this knowing I am completely avoiding deeper issues that I can't write about yet. I haven't fully processed all that is going on.

I am not sure how to say things. I am scared to be alone. Even to the point of not being fully happy. No one in this town would out up with my disabilities. He does.

He helps me do things I need to do. It's not perfect. I'm not sure perfect exists. He is the most loyal person I've ever met. He is the only person who has physically stayed my entire life. Everyone else physically in my life has left within a year.

The possibility is too much to bear. Almost everything is a haze, except that I don't think he can fathom how much I love him. And I hate it when he says �I love you more� when I tell him I love him...because I know it's not true. It's not possible.

~e

=*= one day i'll fly away =*=

most recent entries:

waving white flags - Wednesday, Sept. 27, 2017

yeah so, stuff is happening... - Monday, Sept. 18, 2017

my mind is on the blink - Tuesday, Sept. 12, 2017

How stupid of me - Saturday, Sept. 09, 2017

finally breaking down - Monday, Sept. 04, 2017