I have been trying to focus on doing homework for a few days now. I just cannot focus. I I managed after two days of trying to focus to read the entire chapter, by audio due to vision issues. But then I just get distracted and forget what was just read. It doesn't want to stay in there.
It's frustrating.
I really like my professor though, he has my exact history/goals. He was an English/Philosophy and Humanities focus, then for his Master's got a Psychology Degree, and is now getting a PhD is Clinical Psychology. The course is very much what I love doing, mainly writing assignments that are fairly open to interpretation and creativity. Most papers will be of topics we choose from a short list of suggestions. Also, all will be relevant to papers and tests, and that helps reduce stress greatly. So I'm fine with the class. I wish I could just focus, and I also wish I could be fine with other things going on around here.
I am better as long as music is playing; YouTube is now my favorite site in the whole effing world. But I cannot read and focus well enough to also listen to music, especially when videos are playing. But without music playing, though, I fall asleep.
It's an interesting game with my brain, trying to convince it to do what I need rather than what it wants.
The questions he is asking are hard, at least for me in the mental state I am in.
My domestic problems have been interesting. Both with my mom and boyfriend. I have fought the last three days with my mom who, since telling her I need NEED to do homework has been in my room every 3 minutes to inform me of such necessary news as Pat Robertson supposedly has a legal team to get their hands on the US constitution, and our housing authority is plotting against us, and various other illogical paranoid thoughts that come to mind...every 3 minutes. Have I ever mentioned she knows a lot of conspiracy theories?
My problem with my boyfriend is the same for everything in my life. I would make a great drug addict. I never know when to quit. I don't quit. I want to quit, but I never want to quit things when things feel really bad. I want to end on happiness, or harmony, or mutual benefit, but when I'm happy I don't want to quit things at all. Plus I am madly in love with everything about him except his temper. He is truly my best friend in all ways, unless he has to pay bills or has time limits, or deadlines, or other semi-stressful obligations, like work and doing laundry and cleaning. I often also wonder if him getting so much head trauma in the few accidents he was in where his head smashed into the windshields contributed to damage. He claims, though, that he was actually worse before the accidents and that it was amazing he didn't kill people...he just broke a lot of things.
What is weird about him is how almost know one knows this about him, only his family and me. On a social level he is very kind and cordial and calm and caring and polite. He is accepting of imperfection...until it crosses hos personal path.
I just don't know anyone who accepts or would accept my physical flaws, my developmental flaws, my emotional flaws, or my disabilities like he does. He is the only person who has been in my life consistently and longer than a year.
Anyway, I need to go to sleep. My meds (which I have had to start taking every night in order to sleep, and almost every day in order to not chicken out) has kicked in and it's hard to type. Will wrote more soon.
