I am continuing to have a rough go of this re-school thing. I am very depressed, and no one in my life is helping much, even though they claim to be trying to help. My boyfriend sometimes helps. My mom on the other hand has literally talked for 6 + hours a day, in 3 to 15 minute intervals from 9 am till 11 pm and if I get upset and tell her I'm doing homework, or trying the fuck to do homework despite her incessant chatter, she gets mad, huffs off, tells me she won't talk to me at all anymore (as if that is supposed to be a form of punishment) and comes back 15 minutes later, peeking in my door, or hell just opening it without knocking if it is closed, sits on my floor, or worse my bed, and talks more. If I lock my door she hits it till I unlock it. When I tell her what she does, she gets upset and says she does not come in my room all day. Even though she does. I am the only person she will talk to, by choice, because no one likes her...gee I wonder why. She has no boundaries. Due to this I am a whole week behind my second week in. I am already fucked because of the amount of reading, and the fact that my eye is straining badly due to the textbook text being so small. I would copy it larger if we didn't have to read all 650 pages of it. 35 pages per chapter. I am unable to read. After 3 or 4 hours of her talking at me from 8 am till noon, my head is full of information, almost all of it negative, and I cannot think enough to read critically or retain anything i've read. And I end up just being able to zone out in the internet, or going back to sleep.

I really am not happy, and how can I be?

People are throwing garbage in my yard, fighting and puking behind my apartment. Cars are racing down my street all day. The only time it is sometimes quiet is at 4 am, and I have been waking up at 4 am every morning. I get up to read for an hour, get about 10 pages read, and crash. When I wake up, I remember nothing of what was read.

My boyfriend, who I have not broken up with but who has also in next to no way been any sort of affectionate towards me, so it's like being single. He has been semi-helpful, except for the fact that because his grandpa died he is now short tempered all the time again. Things need to get done, and done perfectly. As in entirely the way he plans for them to go or Hell opens up. He refuses to believe that he does this sort of crap.

Being agoraphobic and stuck in my house or my boyfriend's house is not a great thing at the moment, and I feel very stuck, and wish I could be okay to go outside. I would go to the library and disappear until it closed, which is not very late...but I can't. It doesn't feel safe to be alone outside. Writing that makes me feel like an idiot.

The only good things this week were that I caught the teeniest baby cricket I've ever seen that I first thought was baby spider, and it was the cutest thing ever. I got to go into a beautiful old Catholic chapel where I felt totally out of place, and I've lost 2 lbs due to not being able to eat, but I am still 25 lbs overweight for me...

I just need something to go right.

My cat keeps nudging my feet with his face, and I think it's sweet even though he is just trying to stop an itch in his eye without scratching it.

I am the very end of my rope. I cannot take anymore. And I can't lie and say i'm happy anymore.

In other news my roof and consequently my whole house shifted during a very heavy rainstorm and we now have an 18� long hairline crack in the ceiling upstairs. If my roof doesn't cave in by December, I would be very happy oh ye gods of every damn faith because I need to get through this semester without having to move thank you very much.

When I was a little girl I never once imagined my reality as it is now...

~e