I got another source of validation to tell much of the world to kiss my ass. As I was out with my boyfriend dropping food for prairie dogs in their holes, some ass in a white SUV yelled out �I hope you get the plague!� yes, someone actually wished the plague on us. It sounded like something that would have been wished in the year 1450 to an enemy. I managed to stop a second, think of what that meant, remembered the statistics of not a single case ever of live prairie dogs haven given a single human being the plague and managed to flip him off as he looked back at me (not watching where he was driving). If I thought of it I would have yelled �And I hope you die in a car crash!�

My agoraphobic vulnerabilities kicked in immediately, I felt like I wanted to run home, to hide, to not be so exposed beside the road. And then I felt angry over it and then happy that my doing that obviously upset him enough to wish me the plague. I do not care about what they think because I know that the prairie dogs are starving and should be removed from the parking lot they are in, but the state is refusing. I am in no way at risk of catching plague from them, for christ sakes they don't let me go near them at all, they hide the second you go within 20 feet of them.

Anyway, they will hibernate soon.

The topic this week in my dev psych class is essentially abortion, and rights therein. I feel exhausted just thinking of that topic. I can fully support and validate my opinions, but the problem is that true wingnuts refuse to listen to facts...or possibilities, or value the lives already in existence. And that irritates me. One in my class has started validating a variation on eugenics and children being taken away if parents are �bad parents�...aren't all parents bad parents at some point in life?

I didn't get much sleep last night because it rained after 1 am and by 2 am my window was draining inside my windowsill. By draining I mean like a faucet on low. I immediately went downstairs to discover it was also leaking in the windows in the sunroom. I was up till it stopped raining (and leaking) around 5 am. Buckets, shoeboxes, paper towels, and towels are all that can be done for now. We called a roofer because all of this rain made the roof sound as if it had partially collapsed, and being that roofs here are flat and plaster, it may have. So far no roofer has returned a call. It's interesting to be constantly listening out for sounds that may indicate the roof is about to fall on you. But that is my reality now.

When I was 3 we lived in an apartment where the roof did fall in, we had a free skylight for a few months till the second part of the roof over the bathroom fell in while I was on the toilet, and then we had to move because the landlord refused to fix the roof.

My boyfriend's grandpa's funeral is this weekend.

I am scared to meet the rest of my boyfriend's family. These last few are the ones who said mean things about me on facebook based on mean things my boyfriend's grandma said to them about me. Mean things that were not true, and were repeated without knowing me...here I am about to meet these people.

Ugh.

I even bought a $68 cake for these people (a first)

This will also be my first funeral. It will be strange I am sure. A Mass, then a funeral, then a reception. I'm scared. I told my boyfriend that I outgrew all of my black dresses and that I had nothing to wear. He laughed and said I didn't have to wear black. I'm glad because other than jeans and a tshirt I can't.

I am processing things, and my boyfriend has been talking to me about things. Not having family or friends means not having anyone die on you. I have known people who have died, but I was not close to them. It is strange to me. I feel grief is the most beautiful emotion because of the depth of connection to another that it requires to grieve. I have only ever grieved dreams that I had to let go of. And cats.

I have to do homework and laundry first thing in the morning. Then write tags for bottles, print photos, then cut ribbon, then try to not stress out. I'll probably attempt to eat and regret it.

Today I ate a literal half cup of potato soup, what I could eat without too much pain when I had an ulcer, and even it caused pain. I am scared that it may be what my sister had � a growth blocking a small intestine. (God I hope not) and I really dislike sounding like a hypochondriac, I am not, at all. Maybe if I was i'd be seeing a doctor about this like I really should. I am scared that what if it isnt stress. I need this to just be stress.

I was going to say something else, but it is 1 am, I need to read till I crash. Hopefully I can take the exam for chapter 4 tomorrow and be at least somewhat done with my homework for the week. Not really, but you know, one thing down at least. :-

~e