It is late but I can't sleep, so maybe writing will help, even though the point and reasons for keeping this thing up have dwindled to near none. But today, (Monday) I actually had a good day. My boyfriend was being a boyfriend, more or less. We did a lot, and we did a lot of things out on the town that we haven't done in forever, or ever.

Today he was the way he used to be. A way I have missed him being. We went to a huge park that is left overgrown, left to be the way a field should be. We walked around the track, through part of the field, and played on the swings. He patiently explained things without getting mad at me. He pointed things out he knew I would like. He seemed okay.

I know a lot of our problems are actually his grandma. She interferes with our relationship by snooping, by causing stress, by pissing him off on purpose � doing things she knows he will hate, by not realizing that she has some super irritating habits. She ignores him when he asks things of her. If he tells her what is wrong she acts like he isn't talking, and only pays attention after he starts yelling (she has no hearing issues).

We used to have a mostly great relationship because no one was around to interfere or cause unnecessary stress. Now we can't have sex in the morning, because she is less than 8 feet away by 5 am, where she stays until 10 am. She gets up at all hours of the night, so we have listen out, but usu by then we are just exhausted and crash. She wakes us up all night to go smoke. She constantly asks him to help opening jars, to reach for things for her, to put things away all day. She leaves food on the counter knowing ants will swarm the kitchen and my boyfriend will have to clean it up. She is mean to his cats. There is no time to be in a relationship. I have a gut feeling she likes it that way. He has threatened to move, but having two cats complicates that immensely.

I was reading about soci@l w0rk l!censure because he wants to be licensed. It is quite a process. But then I got curious and looked up the process for becoming a l!censed c0unselor. It is even worse. I must take specific courses. I must do specific things and work with specific people using specific methods a certain number of hours per week. I am literally frightened. L!censes are not cheap and must be maintained by a lot of hours of continued education.

I also noticed a question that I find...disappointing.

Basically a yes or no to �do you have a mental illness�

I do, sort of, but does that mean I couldn't be a counselor? I am not psychotic. I am not irrational. I may not be able to handle taking the bus or going shopping alone, but how would that stop me from working in a clinic part time helping people? I will need assistance to get this degree and job and get off of SSI, so what? One issue I see from being on the wrong end of the system is the need for therapists who have experienced anything similar to life on this side to assist those trying to survive and thrive in all ways. The l!cense process for me will be extensive . it takes years of working in the field a certain number of house with supervision to obtain. I calculate I will graduate with a Masters in 8 years at the most. Around age 40...then, if I can handle it, I will get licensed, which would be around age 43 to get.

It seems overwhelming.

It is now October.

I am allergic to the flowers blooming all over town. They are golden yellow and smell like fermenting pollen.

I will leave with this thought from my professor:

�I appreciate your feedback and am intrigued by your uncertainty considering how well you did with this assignment. I'll agree that the assignment, especially when considered by the light of a more formal writing course, is a somewhat crude vehicle. It is simply designed to provoke, to cultivate critical thought by compelling a student to consider multiple sides to an issue. Most psychology undergrads aren't nearly the writer or thinker that you are, and need practice at this.
I enjoyed your essay very much. Thoughtful, clear, well supported, understated and yet elegantly and powerfully reasoned.�

There you go...I'm still a writer. :-/

~e