After a good weekend, I am here, alone in my room again.
I need to destroy fb and disappear from everyone I know.
The people I know make me question everything about myself, including my goals...

And not in a productive way, or an insightful way, or a helpful way...in a way that I wonder why I bother trying. Why I care about people who obviously do not care about me. Why I want friends so badly when the friends I have are too busy being friends to other people, and each other.

The ones I've gotten closest to turned on me, or lied to me. The ones I tried to be close to rejected me or just don't include me even if they promise to. The few who were nice moved away.

It really doesn't feel very good.

And my textbooks are now triggering me. Badly. The sections on family, and its importance in developing properly socially - I have no idea what that even is or means. I know what its lack is and means, never having anyone to go to or miss you or remember your birthday. And then on culture...do I have a culture? Really? I never felt like I did...i always felt like I was in someone else's culture, watching from far away and trying to make sense of things everyone else takes for granted or understands by being part of the herd. My getting so ill at 11 just sealed that separation from culture, It seems. I have experienced nothing that is considered normal other than going to college.
So I'm sitting on my bed knowing most of not all of my friends couldn't care less if I disappeared or deleted my fb account, and I am trying to figure out if I am delusional about thinking I would be a good therapist. I can't even maintain friendships and consistency in my relationship, how could I help others do so? I have no self esteem, how can I help others have it? I can't maintain my stress and stop pulling out my hair, how could I help others feel okay?

I feel broken down and confused. I want things I will never have. I want normality. I want health. I want family. I want friendship. I want stability. I want to know those things. I don't know what that's like.

So I'm not sure I can become a counselor. I have no alternative possibility other than to remain in SSI and write. That is very bleak future, though, especially with all of the cuts and constant rules. I will end up in low-income or subsidized housing again, if i'm lucky. I am just not a person who can lie in my life and manipulate others to thinking I'm a certain way...I would feel that i'm doing if I became a counselor.

I haven't even submitted my paperwork to finalize attending the second college I was trying to enroll in for spring.

I'm not happy in online college. It isn't helping me, and has twice the homework load. I am isolated and feel in the way when i try to exist and be social now.

I really don't know what to do...

~e