The internet was at a snail-crawling pace all day. I tried to focus on reading, but lost that ability. Well, that's not true, it is just utterly impossible when you have a seriously mentally ill mother who likes to freak out all day and repeat information over and over as if she hasn't said it yet. This time it is we have two nosy neighbors who get nosy together. They literally can't not watch, look out every single tome we leave or someone comes over, and they have started distracting repair people who come over by talking to them so they can't get their jobs done. So my mom is watching them watch us, and she is going crazy now. By the 10th time my mom has repeated the stories you just have to let her know you know. And she has slammed things all effing day, at near 11 pm she still is. Being agoraphobic I can't leave, and I pay rent for this room...she needs to stay out. But she is already paranoid, they are paranoid and nosy, and between these people, my mom, my crazy landlady, my boyfriend's crazy gma, an awol professor in a class that has fully gone to hell, and my homework load, I am...about to snap. I am doing remarkably well. Especially considering I am at the chapter that will cause me to snap. The one that says HERE, Here are YOUR symptoms, your labels, your flaws, the reason society sees you as worthless..here's why you suck as a person...

But it is me and my boyfriend's anniversary tomorrow, so I'm trying to be...sane? Even though we have no plans for anything, not for Halloween, nor our anniversary.... My life and his life are suddenly horrifically busy. And that makes me very sad. Since he last got furious at me, and I puked on his side of the bed, our relationship has been great. Not perfect, but in between the busyness and not feeling well, he has been very sweet to me. He doesn't see my flaws. He likes the ones he does see. He cooks for me. He rubs my back. He leaves me the fuck alone so I can read...THAT is love. I have to read like 140 pages a week for fuck sake - for two classes. :( I will have a research essay soon. I have a case study due Sunday. A test (Closed book 50 questions) next Sunday covering 5 chapters � have I had time to read and study? Nope. At least not during the week like I should be able to...in my own room.

Anyway, five years isn't something to take lightly. He is an ass when he wants to be. I've learned to stand up for myself to him, somewhat, but I still can't leave when he gets too crazy, and I should be able to do that. I know I should. But lately he's been okay, so I'm okay with him. In the back of my head, when I'm most vulnerable with him, and not necessarily naked, but you know, emotionally...In the back of my head I dread that he will die someday. There is this odd sense that life is so temporary. I am painfully aware of it, that we will die...that one will die first, most likely. That one of us will lose everything we have, be left with 6,000 books and meaningless things...that one of us will die physically and one of will die that day in every way but physically. I fear feeling that...again.

I am not good with abandonment in any form. And I am not good with change.

And it is an odd acceptance that this is for...ever. And that he may not be the one to bury my ashes with my great-great grandparents.

I've lived in NM for a decade now...so much has changed. It churns my stomach if I really stop think of it all.

5 years...seems like forever and nothing at the same time. But here I am feeling the weight of forever...even into nothingness.

I'm happy...even if I don't feel it.

~e