lillian m. blakey moon_window




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Sunlight on Earth

� Copyright 2006-2012
Wednesday, Feb. 12, 2014 - 1:05 am

=*=


I should be asleep already. If I didn't have my fitness class tomorrow I would pull an all nighter to get a paper written while it is still quiet enough on my street to think, which only happens after 11 pm. I have to figure out how to summarize 12 pages of text, that I have turned into 6 pages of notes, and somehow turn it into a concise 2 page summary complete with thoughts and what it makes me think of...so far, I simply think the author of the book should have written about a topic he actually knows.

My k@ballah instructor has so far had 5 minute lectures, with no supplementary materials, so I feel very lost on the topic. I can tell he is only doing this for the extra income. I dislike that greatly.

My issues with my sociology instructor have dissipated, and I got to enjoy writing a radical essay on societal rank as a means of social control.

My fitness class is...painful. Mainly because my instructor laughs at us, like in our faces and laughs almost masochistically when we express pain of doing 4 sets of 15 squats, in between running 3 laps. Or lifting weights while doing squats, etc. I also have next to no proprioception and during warmups she moves too fast without doing routines, and I get lost in the complex moves and steps and just feel like an idiot, which she seems to also really enjoy laughing at. I'm not really into being laughed at, and I hate her for it. I have no facets holding my lumbar vertebrae in alignment together. I also have exposed spinal nerves, and my left knee slips out of place and forces itself backwards if loosened up. I have osteoarthritis already, and am doing my best, but good lord she is not nice. I have been adapting her exercises this past week, and she got in my face about it. I bit my tongue when she asked me, with a very wry grin, how i'm doing, while I was doing repeated squats and only going 3/4 of the way down. I wanted to tell her I will be sure to send her my knee replacement bill.

Tomorrow her assistant is supposed to teach the class, and she is a lot nicer being that she is still a student. I am one month older than she is, which feels odd because I feel so inexperienced compared to everyone else around me.

I'm not even tired. But I have taken my meds and am waiting for them to take over. I think now that my insurance is covering my meds, I can take them as often as I really need to. They are $3 a pill...that's $3 a day on a bad day. Which has happened a lot since I got the new prescription. So, I will remain medicated day and night for the forseeable future.

I had an equally good and sad weekend with my boyfriend. Friday he was loving and cuddly. Saturday he was cold and distant. Sunday we watched Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory while cuddling on the couch. And Monday he was pissy and critical of me. I'm still processing it. In between being cuddly he kept jumping on me and criticizing me, no matter how much I tried to do what he wanted, or what I thought was good to do or needed. I cleaned ants out of his dish drainer, and I washed the dishes. I cleaned up after his increasingly nutty grandma who is contributing greatly to the ant infestation by leaving dirty dishes and food, like peanut butter on knives all over the stove and sink and counters. I even came home with two ants crawling across my laptop screen because of how infested his house is. He didn't seem to appreciate that I tried to help.

It left me feeling inadequate and...like he should find an able-bodied girlfriend who doesn't waste his time asking for assistance to run errands. He is usually okay with helping me, but he was not so this weekend. We didn't even go shopping for food, so I ordered pizza today because I am missing key ingredients to make pasta meals i had been planning to make.

It is supposed to be 65 degrees by this weekend. That is unreal.

I want to do something nice for Valentine's Day, but so far I haven't found anything worth going to. For Christmas my boyfriend got a $100 gift card from his gma who seems to think rich-people places are nice...it's a resort where rooms are like $500 a night to start. They also have a restaurant. Thing is their dinner menus are like quail and hare with sides of creamed corn and oxtail stew and weird things I can't pronounce and don't particularly feel like trying. Dinner for two is $95, not including tips. It would be fine if they had real food. So I asked if we could just go to a normal place, with normal-people food, and he seemed irritated by that. I told him the sole irony I feel that makes me want to go to that place, is that I will be surrounded by seriously wealthy people as a poor, on foodstamps, disabled person eating from a charity begotten Christmas present to my boyfriend. I love doing that knowing I have zero etiquette skills and that these people notice such things. You also get a bottle of wine with dinner, and I get happy-drunk and often snort when I laugh. I truly delight in being surrounded by rich people when I do that. But their food and prices really suck.

So, we shall see. I'm about to buy myself some roses and chocolates, since I have almost 5 years now worth of history and know my boyfriend isn't into this holiday...like at all.

At least I could say then that I got some...no one needs to know I got them.

~e

=*= one day i'll fly away =*=

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