lillian m. blakey moon_window




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Sunlight on Earth

� Copyright 2006-2012
Saturday, Feb. 22, 2014 - 1:05 am

=*=


My boyfriend has this idea that if you feel emotions it should be before 8 pm. If you need to talk it shouldn't be at bedtime, or anywhere near bedtime. And it also shouldn't be during working hours. Which leaves a 2.5 hour window to feel emotions and speak, and which is most often taken up by the need to cook and/or eat dinner. Although, i'm not eating much because I am too stressed. But anyway, so I can never call him if I'm upset, though on bad nights, after bad weeks like is happening now, it pours out...and causes problems. Because I have no one to call and talk to. And my boyfriend is not a very good listener, it's kind of like his listening skills are tied directly to his temper. It makes me feel even more alone than I am anyway. I have people I know, but no one I can call...it feels like a very thick wall.

He tells me to talk to him after work, but after work he is really tired and wants to unwind, so if I try to talk then, he get mad at me because he has had a long day, and then its time for dinner, and then he's watching TV, and then its suddenly bedtime...when do we talk??

I've noticed more and more that when people do things to screw me over, my boyfriend doesn't react in a supportive and helpful way. He just blows up, or tells me how I should feel, or when I should feel it, and that he is confused by my need to talk when it's time for bed. He will say over and over, why do you need to talk, i'm so confused, talk to me...and then he'll say the 2.5 hour window we're too busy.

I think I fall apart at bedtime because I am alone, and no longer distracted by the things I need to do that keep me from feeling just how overwhelmed I really am right now. So the second I get any time to really relax, my stress and pain and helpless feelings pour out. Especially when my assignment is to write a paper on how social isolation has a direct impact on suicide and desire to commit suicide. Wonderful topic right now.

I have to write 3 papers by Sunday. In two days. I have nothing done. I have notes from the sociology lecture is all. I highlighted the parts required for the paper, but when I try to write it I start to feel it. And then I have to stop.

I genuinely asked my bf, via chat, if I shave my head will he tell me i'm pretty. He just replied that i'm silly. The thing is I mean it this time. After three weeks of eyeglass clinic, medicaid, housing, school and more screwing me over so I have to go back and re-do it all, and people fighting outside, and other stressors I'm pulling my hair out worse than I have in years. And I normally do it decently. But my stress is so bad right now that even my meds aren't helping. And i'm here in my room alone most of the week, forcing myself out for two hours each Monday and Wednesday to be tortured by my fitness instructor, and then at my boyfriend's house Friday or Saturday through Monday, and this homework is interfering with doing anything. I spend the weekdays trying to organize and decipher everything. And the weekends trying to write papers, and I just end up feeling useless. I hate online courses. I am not the kind of person who can handle isolation after 14 years of it. It just triggers my biggest fears and makes me feel like I really am relapsing. Which I honestly think I really am experiencing relapsing right now, and I have no idea what to do about that.

I was in pain (migraines) till late yesterday, and I got nothing done except pulling hundreds of strands of hair from my head and gaining a new spot that is in a really hard place to try to cover with makeup.

Then Thursday night I finally had the ability to look at the Kabbalah homework where I discovered it is way more complex than I could have imagined. I started crying when I realized it. None of the writing we have to write involve anything he actually discussed in his very short lecture. I also found out that he hides things he wants you to use but will not say that there is a single sentence in the text of the lecture he fauls to mention that is what he wants your paper to be on. And this week there are 7 handouts, one of which is 7 pages...I am lost. He is asking subjective questions and wanting very specific replies that he only hints at, so I am left wondering what exactly he wants. I asked him for an extension due to honestly feeling ill, but I haven't heard a thing from him. So now I feel panicked and ill. Hence being up at 1 am.

I am so unhappy, but if I quit I may owe back my financial aid plus end up on probation, and not be able to transfer. I hate this man for doing what he is doing in the course. I hate feeling so ill and confused. And isolated.

I have a lot more to write of, but I need to get back to crying over my really stupid homework because I'm pulling an all-nighter to get something done.

~e


=*= one day i'll fly away =*=

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waving white flags - Wednesday, Sept. 27, 2017

yeah so, stuff is happening... - Monday, Sept. 18, 2017

my mind is on the blink - Tuesday, Sept. 12, 2017

How stupid of me - Saturday, Sept. 09, 2017

finally breaking down - Monday, Sept. 04, 2017