lillian m. blakey moon_window




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Sunlight on Earth

� Copyright 2006-2012
Thursday, Jun. 05, 2014 - 1:06 am

=*=


My town is depressing. Not only is there nothing to do, everyone here is buddy-buddy. So if you aren't an insider, you never will be.

Lately when I get my hopes us, they just turn around and smack me in the face.

I merely requested info on the m@y0rs c0mm!ttee on d!sab!l!ty but only received a reply that the position was being filled and that I was welcome to attend the meeting as a �guest� which is a nice way to say as a member of the public...i didn't think that reply would affect me as much as it has. I feel like a failure. I only didn't apply sooner because of school...the same reason my attempt to take a really rare adult-level acting course also fell through.

I am very much a one-sided fatalist...if something isn't meant to be, no amount of begging or force will do a thing to make it happen. I also believe that what path you are on is for a reason...though I have a harder time justifying that one. More often than not it just feels like the gods are playing games with my life to test me and get a good laugh. One example is that there is an incredibly loud humming outside the source of which I cannot place, and I also cannot close my window without dying of heat. So unfair and something Zeus would do to a person to torture them.

But when too many things fall through, and your relationship is...nowhere near where it should be...and you have no support, and what little you are managing to hold onto is barely put together to happen, and has deadlines...or dies on you, it makes you wonder why you try.

I weighed myself. I now weigh 149 � the heaviest I have ever been. I am also the saddest I have been in years. I didn't tell my psychiatrist that today though. None of her business.

Before my boyfriend moved in with his grandma, our relationship was great. We had sex very randomly at any time. We made out in between homework. He made me feel pretty. He wanted to see me every day. He never got mad at me like he has the past few years. He never put his fist and other objects through the drywall. He didn't put me down and get mad at me and constantly, quite rudely, suggest alternatives for me to whatever it is I am doing. It's hard to be in his room knowing each of those patches and remaining unfixed dents was for me. It's hard to speak to him when he doesn't want to hear anything I am saying. It's hard to shop when he has stopped helping me and is now sits somewhere staring at his phone looking like he really doesn't want to be seen with me.

With in-person college over, and 99.8% of my friendships represented solely as virtual replicas, my only alternative is a life returning to solitude alone in my room. If I do that, it will be fully. No facebook. New phone number that no one will have. No replies to attempted emails. A return to living life as if I didn't exist outside of this diary. It will be a painful defeat to 9 years of trying to reintegrate into the world if this happens. All of my dreams will die with it, guaranteed.

Today at the psychiatrists office I ran into some one I know from school going back to my first year. Which means I met her over 7 years ago. She was just out of high school, and in my English class with me when I still couldn't leave the house very often, my first semester trying to go to school without my mom present on campus, and when going out in public mean hiding under a hoodie and not exactly speaking but really trying to. I was a freak of nature, wore a size 3, hand had no idea of any talents or skills at age 27...and pot heads really liked me for that. The attraction was not mutual.

She now works with children in the mental healthcare office. She seemed shocked to see me there...i felt a bit embarrassed to be there. It was good to see her, for reasons I cannot place...it feels odd to be recognized. She looked up at me, and paused, trying to make sense of how she knows me. Seeing her made me briefly process all that has changed in my life since I last saw her. Most not for the better. So many people I went to school with are working in the community, doing important things, earning real pay...i still have 6 to 8 years to go before that is even a remote possibility. I have no idea how to keep going and trying when I have so many reasons to feel defeated...like Tantalus, trying to quench my thirst...only to remain dry.


My heart physically hurts these days. Between my under-affectionate relationship with my boyfriend, to processing that children will never be a good idea in my life as so many friends are getting pregnant and married.

My possibilities are beginning to dwindle, and it is taking a toll on me.

~e

=*= one day i'll fly away =*=

most recent entries:

waving white flags - Wednesday, Sept. 27, 2017

yeah so, stuff is happening... - Monday, Sept. 18, 2017

my mind is on the blink - Tuesday, Sept. 12, 2017

How stupid of me - Saturday, Sept. 09, 2017

finally breaking down - Monday, Sept. 04, 2017