I feel like I just entered the gates of Hell and am awaiting the eternal demise of my soul. Listening to what the mean P@SS lady explained to me about everything I have to do needing prior approval to make a purchase, like needing to get 3 estimates including 3 each of other brands of computers to replace my dying one, and being forced to purchase the cheapest one possible...not necessarily the one I want or need despite the fact that it will be with MY OWN GODDAMN EARNINGS. She continually refers to whatever I will be placing in my P@SS account as �the taxpayers dollars� which is super irritating. And she likes to threaten you that even a mistake in purchasing or a returned item or a lost original receipt can lead to my getting cut off SSI. I have to mail her my original pay stubs, and hope they don't get lost.

I'm scared of this internship and P@SS plan actually happening more than it all falling through at this point.

Dealing with the P@SS lady has completely deflated my excitement at having been offered the internship.

People who work for SS! act like you're not supposed to enjoy life because you are disabled, furthermore they will partake in assuring you do not enjoy life. They act like you must repent and beg for forgiveness for being a leech on the taxpayers. And even worst, as if there is no reason to include you as a full citizen of your own country.

I am left feeling very discouraged and genuinely terrified. It feels much safer just sitting on SS! For the rest of my life, and trying to accept that I will never have anything...in reality even if I work I may never have anything anyway. But I will have the dignity of not being a leech.

I never asked to be disabled; to have physical, mental, emotional, and visual issues. I don't even talk about my situation to my siblings, because I am that ashamed of it. I feel so ashamed that I've never held a job at 34 years old. I can't really handle it now that it's sort of happening, even. The only sense of social worth I still have is being a guy's girlfriend and being a �student� that both gave me some value to society.

I also just found out that even though the P@SS plan funds aren't counted as income, they are counted as assets, so my rent will be raised by having money in a bank account, even if it is documented as solely being saved for my educational goals just the same. My plans are all going to have to re-figured entirely because Housing counts everything as an asset against my rent, even exempt AmeriC0rp funds, and internship/training funds.

I am feeling sorry I tried, and sunk, and scared, and alone, and afraid of failing, and succeeding, and having to deal with that mean P@SS lady. My stomach is sore, I feel ill, my throat hurts, my eyes hurt so much they're tearing, and part of me hopes I don't wake up tomorrow.

Having said this, the sky was beautiful today, and I probably lost weight from not being able to eat much today.

~e