I guess today was roach day. My boyfriend picked me up to hang out and study for his s0c!al Work L!cense. When we got to his workplace, there was a roach, belly up, in front of the kitchen area. When I blew on it, it's antennae twitched. I told him about it and he replied that it was a good thing his boss wasn't there because she is deathly terrified of bugs to the point of hyperventilation. Personally I was just grossed out by the thing being that 1) it was female 2) it was almost 2� long 3) it was dying and doing that jerky thing dying things do and 4) it was inside AND by the kitchen. ew. I removed it, and let it go to die in the garden. sadly it held onto some mulch and slowly crawled its way up it. It will die under the columbines, which i thought is probably a nice place to die for a roach.

Then after a looong day of fixing one of three of my screens, and enjoying yummy food, and as much time with my boyfriend as was possible, I came home to my mom telling me that a small roach had been caught on our stove. I told her it was a good thing I didn't see it because I would have panicked and turned the gas burner on and it probably would have run under the stove, on fire, and lit on fire all the years of dust and gross things former people living here have left behind. I am so grossed out that one was in my house that it is making it difficult to think of sleeping.

I hate where we live. It's filthy. And the other night coyotes killed someone's dog in the park, like 100 feet from my room, and I had to hear it. It was loud, and it was awful.

I am really trying and doing a decent job of not pulling my hair to baldness despite wanting to. I am forcing myself to utilize my semi-newly-gained skill of typing with both hands. That way I don't have a free hand to pull my hair. I am very incredibly anxiety riddled though. I can't deny it. I have never been �hired� before. I have never done what I am about to do...go to a place by myself to meet someone I've never met and who will be my boss. Okay, that made my heart flutter. FEARS, stupid very founded fears.

Next Monday I am getting contact lenses, I hope. And then I am going to get new glasses that actually work. I got tired of harassing the eye glasses place to exchange the ones I got paid for on Medicaid. They were cheap anyway. I can look for blue ones that I love if I pay for them myself. Let it be known I LOVE blue glasses.

So, I am trying to maintain my sense of self-worth, what little I have remaining. And I am trying to cut back on calories and sugar, though the latter isn't actually happening much so far. I need to lose some weight at least, 5 lbs even, if possible.

But i also need to try to enjoy life, despite the roaches and mean people and looming homework.

I stopped and watched the pink sunset tonight, it stretched down the entire sliver of horizon visible beneath the storm clouds on the western sky, lining the jagged mountain tops in deep pink. It was so beautiful.

~e