lillian m. blakey moon_window




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Sunlight on Earth

� Copyright 2006-2012
Tuesday, Jul. 29, 2014 - 6:38 am

=*=


I can't sleep. I'm trying to hold out hope on the internship, but the truth is I was offered it almost 2 months ago and it continues to be stalled and with no expressed possible start date. It was supposed to be during the summer and was not supposed to interfere with my education, but the continuing delays are assuring that it will interfere with my education that is re-beginning in 22 days. With transportation I will be taking 34+ hours per week away from studying time, then I still need to get medical care (that takes at least 4 to 6 hours each time I go), and somehow have time to shop for food, etc and spend time living life so I don't keep making myself sick from stress. I need to sleep at some point, and then how do I have tome to do homework?

I realized that yesterday.

I had been invited to a meeting with other interns and the m@yor and c!ty m@nager, among others. The room was cramped as there wasn't room for all 20 in the room. I had to take panic medication, be escorted by my boyfriend, and take a walk around downtown for 20 minutes before to try to calm down and prevent hyperventilation. I was fine till I re-entered the building. I got nervous immediately and had to sit in the hallway for 5 minutes and try to talk through it and focus. My boyfriend helped me through it. He sat there and waited, and promised to be within 4 blocks, that way if I needed him, he could be there within 5-10 minutes. I asked him how the hell I am going to go to work by myself if I'm doing that just to go to a meeting.
The m@yor was 10 minutes late, and each time someone entered the room we had to reintroduce ourselves, position hired for, education, etc. It was meant to be a discussion panel, but they messed up badly because they not only filmed video, and took photos of us all for press events, and pestered us for personal interviews, but they also invited the press...no one really seemed to want to speak after that, myself included. I think if you want candid honest discussion, the least documentation possible is better. I wanted to ask when the hell my internship is supposed to start, but you don't ask those things when it will just end up in the newspaper without your permission.

So, anyway, I didn't really get the point of the meeting. Or I got the point, but the actual attempt failed miserably. People who knew each other talked to each other. I didn't know anyone. It felt awkward, really. Everyone was working already and had something to say.

And then there is my education.

As far as scholarships, it doesn't appear anyone is actually giving me any. They seem to have the attitude that if you have tuition and books covered, that that's all you need. It's very discouraging to be a straight A student with so much of everything they are supposedly looking for, in leadership and community involvement, yet get zero support where you really need it to get your degree. I am hoping my laptop survives the semester. I don't know what I will do if it doesn't.

Another thing that is happening is that I keep getting referred to this guy in voc rehab who doesn't contact me back.

The only helpful person in this process just handed me off to him, saying that he will help me instead...that feels like a big blow to this process. How can someone who doesn't contact me back help me at all.

I just feel like I need to call it all off at this point and hope my $65 gets me through the semester.

I'm used to having at least $1200 left over, so I can buy all that I need to get me through. Part of me feels that I should just quit altogether if no one is going to help me.

I need to feel hopeful, but I don't feel it. Right now hope is a very far off intellectual concept that I am not able to grasp.

~e


"Something Vague" - Bright Eyes
Now and again it seems worse than it is,
But mostly the view is accurate.
You see your breath in the air as you'll climb up the stairs
To that coffin you call your apartment.
And you sink in your chair, brush the snow from your hair
And drink the cold away.
And you're not really sure what you're doing this for
But you need something to fill up the days.
A few more hours.
There's a dream in my brain that just won't go away.
It's been stuck there since it came a few nights ago
And I'm standing on a bridge in the town where I lived
As a kid with my mom and my brothers.
And then the bridge disappears and I'm standing on air
With nothing holding me.
And I hang like a star, fucking glow in the dark,
For all those starving eyes to see,
Like the ones we've wished on.
But now I'm confused. Is this death really you?
And do these dreams have any meaning?
No. No, I think it's more like a ghost that's been following us both.
Something vague that we're not seeing,
Something more like a feeling.

=*= one day i'll fly away =*=

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finally breaking down - Monday, Sept. 04, 2017