I am having an unbelievably difficult time doing homework. I wish I could say it is laziness. I wish more that I didn't have to say I have been in unbelievable pain for a while now, with no period or any known cause to blame. It doesn't quite feel like a bladder infection. But it does feel like intense swelling and pressure and soreness in my entire abdomen pelvis with occasional sharp pains on my left side below my bellybutton by where the ovaries would be. I can feel food moving through and when it hits that spot it hurts like hell.

To say I am terrified is an understatement. The pain is becoming present 24/7 and debilitating. I don't want to do anything, and when I try I give up because it just hurts too much. I can't get my pants buttoned half of the time because of the level of visible swelling.

Well, today I broke down and finally called my primary care dr...only to be told I am no longer listed as a patient at the clinic. In other words, I have no primary care doctor. It left me in tears. And I cried to my boyfriend when he called me after work.

So I am trying to figure out what to do next. I haven't had very good luck with urgent care in this town. I haven't had good luck with ER either. At this point I don't have much of a choice.

I am scared, and under my insurance I cannot get referrals from anyone but a primary care doctor...which I don't have. It takes a couple of months to get into most clinics when you are a new patient. I can see a gynecologist without a referral, but that's it.

Needless to say I filed a complaint with my insurance on that clinic for dropping me without telling me. They still take my insurance, they just dropped me.

I feel alone. I wish I had a girlfriend to drag with me to get a gynecology and pelvic exam to rule out what I fear the most...a rupturing cyst, a tumor pushing something, an infection, cancer...while not being alone doing it. But I have no close friends like that. My boyfriend would be the better of the two options because I cannot be honest about my body and sex life with my mom present...She sincerely thinks my bf of 6 years is just my friend. She refuses to believe anything else. It's not like we are sneaking or hiding it. Ugh. Me and my bf are very open with each other about odd things going on with our bodies, so that is a little less awkward.

I don't know when homework is going to happen. It's due Friday, and I'm 3 weeks behind on readings for Soc Psych...i need something good to happen.

Also, I keep finding white hairs on my head...numerous, plural...make it stop.

this body is falling apart.

~e