I'm trying to gain motivation to do my homework. I only have motivation to watch movies. My mom came downstairs and yelled at me because my things are all over the living room�by this she means taking up a 4 foot spot that includes a small table. Part of it is clothes, and the rest is homework.

I was watching Hansel and Gretel and all she could say was how satanic the story is, and went on a tangent like she does�I told her it�s a goddamn fairytale and to stop relating everything to Satanism. She got mad at me and went on about how people in government are satanically killing children, as if we can do anything about that�so now I can't even watch movies without my mom ruining it.

My reality is so fucked up. I have nothing normal, and I am trying so hard to experience something normal. But by boyfriend's temper ruins things, and we have 4 cats, and I doubt very many people would rent to us with 4 cats.
If I wasn't agoraphobic, I could leave right now and go somewhere to get my homework done. I have no way to get out of this house when my mom starts up. MY boyfriend said he was going to give me a key to his house, but he hasn't done that in 4 years.
My mom makes me really sorry I try. I would expect to get this if I was getting into trouble. Her paranoia and constant focus on everything that makes this world a shitty place is really getting me. She refused to do anything that would make life better. She is a black cloud that wants to cover all possible chances of sunlight. And she believes I am somehow supposed to accept that I am supposed to respect her and be subservient to her when she respects nothing I am doing at all.
My first internship�I might as well be shooting heroin. My good grades�how dare I not be cleaning the house. It all means nothing.
If I sit in the living room she gets mad at me and says I am taking up the whole house�well our house really only has 3 rooms. It's a short way to say I just need to stay in my room.

I want to move out, but I can only afford half of rent and bills.
I am trying to pretend to everyone that I am okay, but I am a point where I can no longer pretend. I randomly cry out of the blue. I am really not at all okay. I am barely holding my head up. I feel so many messages that my doing this internship is a bad thing. The rules that govern disabled are different than those that aren't disabled. I am not supposed to try, and if I do I am breaking the rules and must be punished.
I live every day waiting to drop out of school and pack my things into storage and go to get away from her. I have no family to go to. I am just really stuck.

I no longer believe in a god because I have begged to die so many times and yet I am still stuck here.

I really don't know what to do.

~e