This month is merely kicking my ass...

My History teacher just broke it to us that on top of a 984 page book we have to read, that we will be adding a 415 page book that must be read in one months time on top of it. This is on top of English class where we read about 100-200 pages per week and are starting our short papers, a chapter and paper per week in sociology with an exam coming up.

I literally sobbed for an hour. I am at my limit. I cannot listen to anymore text. I cannot read any more than I am now. I cannot do the assignments. I just can't get that much info to stay in my brain.

So I called and wrote to a bunch of people today instead of doing homework, and that made me more stressed on top of it. I have to write a paper now even though I just feel like sleeping.

The disability office lady said she'd talk with her because she said nothing of this in her syllabus, and she will work to try to find an alternative way I can do the assignment without reading 400 pages of a book. We'll see.

I looked into dropping, which I can do through April. I don't want to, but I also can't do this to my health. I feel ill every day.

So i determined that i likely wouldn't even be on academic probation. And that I likely wouldn't have any impact on my financial aid except losing 3 credits worth. And I would have to figure something out for credits later, which is the shitty part because it's a small college and I have maybe 6 each semester that are honest options.

So, I will likely not be graduating in May 2016, but in Summer 2016. I would then start my Master's in Fall 2016, roughly a month later. It seems doable...until I think of my p@ss plan. That lady is just too much.

I am still trying to figure it out...and it's painful. So i need to stop ocd'ing my thoughts and take a break.

I probably mentioned this, but my baby sister deleted her fb account, and as I have no other real way to contact her, it feels like she died. I'm very sad she chose to disappear on me without saying anything to me. I feel yet again like I'm not even a sister to anyone and like I don't matter in any way. It doesn't feel very good.

I saw my boyfriend yesterday, but it was an errands day as it was threatening to snow and I needed to get water because our tap water often smells like lead pipes and sewage, I wish I was joking. So we did that, and then I ruined dinner yet again by my limited choices to eat, and we got pizza, but had to eat in the car because the place utterly stunk like concentrated floor cleaner. I should have just left. My bf was mad...as always.

He says I can go to his house this upcoming weekend, so we'll see. If he starts anything i will have to leave because of an exam i have to take.

I feel anxious about that too.

~e

So, after that I just went home. Fell alseep around 3 am, and woke up with my arm still hurting, though a little less so.

As of right now I am just hoping my internship will start soon, I got word it may, but nothing certain.