I cannot organize my plans or thoughts or goals. I am scattered and overwhelmed at even basic life tasks like eating, and showering, and laundry.
Of all strange things to happen in the last week, I have a new social worker who is trying to argue to the state that I do indeed have issues with eating and cleaning. it feels strange to have your inabilities so paraded around. He is also slightly stretching facts, but he asked me to think of my worst days...well, I don't give a shit about eating or cleaning or showering on my worst days. So, as a result of that fact I am now in a waiting list to receive assistance to function...how...degrading.
I have been in such unbearable pain over the last week that I am at a point of saying I need help...i REALLY need help...even if I have to get over my ego.
My house is not filthy, or even dirty. It is dosorganized, primarily in closets, but I should have assistance to do things to maintain my life independently of two people I have in it...my mom who could die any time just by being old, and my boyfriend who could get un-boyfriended or arrested at any time just because he is who he is. In fact he and i discussed that last weekend, and he hasn't yelled at me since.
Then what would I do? I couldn't even pay my bills or get food or take out my trash. I shouldn't be so dependent on people at my age, but I have severe disabilities even with my incredible accomplishments in my life. I am a series of contradictions that boggle my own mind.
I just have to get over myself.
And I have to write a paper even if i bad grade on it...it's a week late and that makes me feel sucky.
I am buying planners to no end trying to organize scattered thoughts. The newest is a 2015 Little Prince daily planner. I need something to remind me that i have things to do when i am getting lost in the internet of more interesting things out there than my to-do's. So far nothing has worked for longer than a week. I need a new less escapism-inducing life.
~e